October 2009

The Head Fool Speaks

October 25, 2009

Three days without COFFEE! No need to panic! “Café 316” opens in eight minutes and all will be right with the world! The Unknown Cartoonist is not MIA, just misplaced! Gotta go! Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

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Editor’s Note

October 25, 2009

It’s the month of ghosts and goblins and witches and the World Series and—ahem. Sorry, got sidetracked. And vampires and werewolves. Speaking of werewolves, what’s the deal with Tyler, anyway? Find out in “Treatment,” a humorous horror story by best-selling author J.A. Konrath, author of the Lt. Jacqueline “Jack” Daniels thrillers (most recently Cherry Bomb). [...]

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Scary Movies Coming Soon

October 25, 2009

“The Unshaven”: A man with a skimpy beard (Keanu Reeves) tries the rugged look, horrifying everyone he meets. “House of Shadows”: A house grows ever darker as a husband puts off his lightbulb-changing duties. Based on true events. “Living Hell”: Two people fall in love. Then tragedy strikes—they get married. “I’ve Become My Mother”: A [...]

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Location, Location, Location

October 25, 2009

I’m a big fan of scientific knowledge, but there is one thing I would rather not know—namely that on the nineteen square feet of skin that covers my body, there are roughly 100 billion bacteria living, partying, and reproducing, all without my permission. According to an article in the May 29th edition of the Los [...]

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Treatment

October 25, 2009

“It all goes back to the time I was bitten by that werewolf.” Dr. Booster’s pencil paused for a moment on his notepad, having only written a ‘w.’ “A werewolf?” Tyler nodded. Booster appraised the teenager: pimples, lanky, hair a bit too long for the current style. The product of a well-to-do suburban couple. “This [...]

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Where Do They Come From?

October 25, 2009

Where, oh, where do they all come from? I work during the week, and presumed that everyone else did too. From the looks of the Interstate in the morning going into the city, the whole world commutes to downtown. Imagine my surprise the other day when I took a day off work and had to [...]

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Lost Journal

October 25, 2009

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular entry may be about a day last week, or Halloween 1980, or the day he was born. Some of you may [...]

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Old, Tarnished, and Corroded

October 25, 2009

The other day, I installed a new faucet in the family bathroom. Well, to be quite honest, it wasn’t the other day (singular); it was the other days (plural). It’s safe to assume that Lady Debby didn’t marry me for my handyman abilities. Matter of fact, we can’t even use the “handyman” fantasy during playtime [...]

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Adventures with Rex

October 25, 2009

Pillow Talk I awoke on my back in bed that Saturday morning with an eight-pound weight on my chest. As my eyes came into focus, I noticed Rex perched on my sternum. He struck a regal Sphinx pose: parallel legs outstretched in front, stoic look on the face, and a casual wagging tail. (Historic note—the [...]

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So It Goes

October 25, 2009

Stereo Type My neighbor across the street—the one who flies a pirate flag—is playing his music again. The volume is set on eleven. It’s never good music either; it’s always angry shouting by groups like Death Ass or Vomit. The musicians, who may or may not be on the same song, play extra loud so [...]

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Don’t Hijack My Halloween

October 25, 2009

Ever face the unthinkable? I imagine it happens at least once in everyone’s life. For me, the unthinkable almost happened the October of my daughter’s first-grade year: I almost lost my Halloween spirit. I deem this unthinkable because I have always loved Halloween. I don’t mean that I found it amusing or a great way [...]

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Ye Olde Limerick Corner

October 25, 2009

Editor’s note: As the Limerick Wars of 2009 draw to a close, mainly because the Giants appear to be out of the pennant race, this month’s limerick offerings feature a dialogue of sorts between Gene, Gene, The Limerick Machine and Birdman. To the Birdman I’m posing this question to you because your logic is straight [...]

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Budget Tips from Fannie Frugal

October 25, 2009

Hi, friends. My name is Fannie Frugal, and I’m here to answer a few of your questions on how to trim the fat from your budget. Following are some examples of the people I have helped so far. Perhaps these tips might be of help to you too as you attempt to manage your household [...]

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Fool – O – Scope

October 25, 2009

October birthdays: Your birthday bash gets out of control. Unfortunately, “The Great Pumpkin made me do it” is not a defense that will hold up in court. ARIES (3/21-4/19): Your annual tradition of the Haunted Maze comes to an end after a neighborhood kid gets lost in all the junk in your garage. TAURUS (4/20-5/20): [...]

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Jason the Fool – Haircuts: Don’t Try This At Home

October 25, 2009

There are people who treat budgeting like guys treat going to the doctor—it’s not serious until they slip in all the blood. My wife isn’t one of those people. She treats budgeting like she was the doctor, specifically, a proctologist. Therefore our household runs successfully and happily—I stress that, happily—on 42 cents a month. That’s [...]

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Sit, Stay, Pay

October 25, 2009

A blue-haired lady outside of church squinted at the tiny inscription on my dangle earrings. “Oh my, is that a prayer?” she asked, and peered closer. “Let me guess, a sacred quote?” Um, not exactly. They’re old rabies tags, bless Muffin’s soul. At this writing, our leaders continue to duke it out over health care [...]

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The Redneck Review – Friendship 2.0

October 25, 2009

Friendship 2.0 Will you be my friend? That’s the latest question zipping around the Internet these days. No doubt if you have a pulse you have at least heard about Facebook.com. This interesting little website is one of many categorized as a social network. And it seems to be a race to get as many [...]

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