September 2009

The Head Fool Speaks

September 7, 2009

My friend Bill in New York goes to a big-name bank to withdraw $8,000 from his account. He’s told by the teller to see Mr. So & So. Mr. So & So explains to Bill that the bank doesn’t have $8,000 cash, but he would be glad to give Bill a cashier’s check for the [...]

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Please Let Me Help You

September 7, 2009

I don’t know why people are so worried about the economy these days. Why, after scoffing at my New Age friends for saying things like “Trust in the Universe, it will provide” and for their insistence that I read the bestseller The Secret and watch the accompanying video, I now have more money than I [...]

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The Expiration Date – Why God Created Skin

September 7, 2009

If we weren’t meant to be separate, God wouldn’t have created skin. It keeps our mushy stuff inside and other people outside (unless they are invited in, figuratively and literally). Where my skin starts, everyone else stops, or they should. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes I have strange thoughts. When I’m safely alone (and this could [...]

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Adventures with Rex – That Look

September 7, 2009

Rex had that look in his eyes. I had seen that look before—it was the look that he had done something bad and knew he was going to get caught. “Reeeeeeeeeexxx, what did you do? What are you up to? What’s going on? Why that look?” I had decided to give him four questions, allowing [...]

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A Word on Vowel Movement

September 7, 2009

Dude. Ever notice that LIVE spelled backwards is EVIL? Whoa…. On the lighter side, here’s an exercise from the Grammar Goddesses, a member of who I are. Can you shrink the word Little and correctly punctuate it? We see the word all the time with apostrophes flung anywhere. Hint: An apostrophe is like a mud [...]

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Fool Laughs

September 7, 2009

A Healthy Life Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he said. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.” The celebrants were impressed and asked how [...]

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So It Goes – Bingo!

September 7, 2009

Bingo “Let’s go to bingo!” “Um. Okay.” I didn’t know that young people could play bingo. I thought there was an age minimum, a picture of grandma reading, “You must be this old to enter building.” As we pulled into the church parking lot, I wondered how gambling fit into the scripture. And what it [...]

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Foolish Times Interview: Paula Poundstone

September 7, 2009

Paula Poundstone is one of the top comedians of her generation. A brilliant standup comic who tours regularly across the country, her spontaneity with the audience has become the stuff of legend. We talked with her on a “chaotic” morning involving a plumber, a sick cat, and the whirlwind of activity that precedes the sending [...]

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Best Of The Inbox

September 7, 2009

Comebacks to Pickup Lines Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine. Man: So, what [...]

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Jason The Fool – Exercise is Bad. Enough Said.

September 7, 2009

Exercise Is Bad. Enough Said. There’s a bike in my basement. A big, full-sized 10-speed bicycle with tires that still hold air and a clip that would hold a water bottle if I hadn’t lost it. There was a little dust on the bicycle, sure. But it wasn’t like it had a banana seat and [...]

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Liberation

September 7, 2009

After a lifetime of toting around a big, heavy purse, I have been liberated. No, my purse was not stolen. I just realized how heavy it is and wondered what I could do to lighten the load. Nearly all women carry purses. Some are the size of a small suitcase and could really use wheels. [...]

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Lost Journal

September 7, 2009

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular entry may be about a day last week, or Halloween 1980, or the day he was born. Some of you may [...]

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Tony’s Ticklers

September 7, 2009

A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, “Can I have a large gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic?” The bartender replies, [...]

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The Redneck Review: A Number’s Game

September 7, 2009

A quick glance at the news on Yahoo.com yesterday and I noticed something truly amazing. It seems that a highly esteemed group of eggheads at UCLA has discovered a 13 million-digit prime number. That’s right. By harnessing the power of many hardly used computers around the globe, this gang of hardcore mathematicians has unearthed this [...]

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