MIND MASS
A study just released by the prestigious Institute of Physical Intelligence strongly indicates that thoughts contain mass and that the utilization of thought can reduce brain mass.
The study, conducted on 76 subjects, was performed with highly sophisticated brainwave and infinite mass spectrographometers capable of detecting the most minute (0.1 x 10 -24 angstrom units) particles.
While these delicate instruments are normally utilized for the measurement of small particles, in this study the objective was to determine the mass of thought. The completion of the initial study led to the following release:
The Institute of Physical Intelligence has released the tentative results of a study promising to revise current brain and cranium function.
The study was initiated with the premise that “Brain function is carried out by electron exchange, which modifies the molecular structure, depleting the mass with use. Hence, when thought occurs, mass is lost, i.e. used, therefore the mass of the brain is reduced through thought.” The parallel significance is that as mass is volume, within the same specific gravity, the size of the brain is reduced with the depreciation of mass.
The corresponding explanation is “the mind has a certain quantity of thought available to it, and as these are used and go away, they are disposed of, hence there is a lesser quantity of thought remaining. As it is being established that thought has a volume, albeit very minute, the result is, that as thoughts are used, the mind is of lesser mass and will then be of less volume.”
In lay language this means the more you think the smaller the brain becomes, hence the skull becomes less large.
-contributed by H. Grice
SHE HAS DESTROYED MY FISHING PLEASURE
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing fifty mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of twenty years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?”
I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN
In a podiatrist’s office: “Time Wounds All Heels”
On a septic tank truck: “Yesterday’s Meals-on Wheels”
At a proctologist’s door: “To expedite your visit, please back in.”
Sign over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
On a plumber’s truck: “We Repair What Your Husband Fixed”
On another plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip-call your plumber!”
On a church’s billboard: “Seven days without God makes one weak.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
At a towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg-we want tows.”
On an electrician’s truck: “Let Us Remove Your Shorts”
In a nonsmoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push!”
At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”
On a fence: “Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!”
At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.”
Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the electric company: “We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully! We’ll wait…”
At a propane filling station: “Thank heaven for little grills.”
At a Chicago radiator shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
Sign on the back of another septic tank truck: “CAUTION: This Truck Full of Political Promises”
THE WISDOM OF SUPERMODELS
ON COURAGE
“They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.”
-Cindy Crawford
ON POVERTY
“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.”
-Beverly Johnson
ON FATE
“I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that.”
-Christie Brinkley
ON ARRIVING
“Because modeling is lucrative, I’m able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take.”
-Kathy Ireland, star of “Alien From L.A.” and “Danger Island”
ON PRIORITIES
“I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.”
-Kim Alexis
ON INNER STRENGTH
“I love the confidence that makeup gives me.”
-Tyra Banks
ON TRAVEL
“I haven’t seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven’t seen anything. I don’t really care.”
-Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
“Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.”
-Gabrielle Reece
ON HEREDITY
“My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she’s ugly? You’re ugly.’”
-Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
“It’s very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it’s not inspiring for your workout.”
-Cheryl Tiegs
ON PARADOX
“Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s nice to be alone.”
-Tatjana Patitz
ON TRAGEDY
“The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath.”
-Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT
“If I’m making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers.”
-Carol Alt
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
“I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them.”
-Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS
“I don’t even wake up for less than $10,000 a day.”
-Linda Evangelista
ON THOUGHT
“When I model I pretty much go blank. You can’t think too much or it doesn’t work.”
-Paulina Porizkova
ON DEPRIVATION
“If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time.”
-Linda Evangelista
ON MOTIVATION
“It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.”
-Kate Moss
A LITTLE INDIANA HUMOR
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Hoosiers…
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Indiana.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Indiana.
If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Indiana. (Editor’s note: Or Monterey.)
If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Indiana.
If “Vacation” means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend, you may live in Indiana.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Indiana.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Indiana.
If you have switched from “heat” to “A/ C” in the same day and back again, you may live in Indiana.
If you can drive 75 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Indiana.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Indiana.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Indiana.
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Indiana.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, and you’re going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Indiana.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Indiana.
If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you may live in Indiana.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Indiana.