(And Special Answers to Questionable Questions)
By Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo
Dear Will,
How come you never see pepperoni on anything but pizza? Doesn’t that seem strange to you? I don’t know why, Will, but I worry about stuff like this all the time. My intuition tells me something really weird is going on here. Has cheese got something to do with this?
You’re the only one I can turn to, Will. I’m counting on you. Please help me!
Signed,
Thinking about stuff…and worrying a little (too much maybe?)… in Santa Cruz
Dear Thinking about stuff…and worrying (too much?… no, not really)… in Santa Cruz,
Wow, are you reading my mind or something, Santa Cruz? What, are you one of these unwitting psychic types, finding yourself spontaneously drawn to others with the same burning metaphysical questions as you? That’s amazing.
You see, I too have been stewing, kneading, grating, and baking over this pepperoni and cheese pizza question for a long, long time. It’s been dogging me, Santa Cruz! More than you could possibly imagine.
So tell me, Santa Cruz, what do you think would happen if someday pizza wanted to get away from pepperoni for awhile? Where would pepperoni go? Have you ever seen it anywhere else? Oh sure, hanging on the rack in the deli section, yeah, right… Don’t be coy, Santa Cruz, you’ll piss me off!
The fact is, Santa Cruz, pizza hasn’t got the heart to dump pepperoni. No one else will take it in. I mean, think about it! Have you ever really seen just a plain cheese pizza with your own eyes? I don’t think so, Santa Cruz. Cheese pizza isn’t real. It’s never been real. It’s a figment of the collective imagination of the Great Unwashed.
Oh c’mon, Santa Cruz, you know who I’m talking about. The Great Unwashed is anyone who doesn’t drive a BMW or a Mercedes. Or an old Ford Fairlane with one bad shock.
So anyway, just how did that happen, Santa Cruz? How did so many people start believing in cheese pizza even though it doesn’t really exist? Well, the human mind is a very strange phenomenon, Santa Cruz. It plays tricks on itself all the time.
Follow me here, Santa Cruz. We’re gonna go far now.
You see, centuries ago cheese pizza was merely a myth, Santa Cruz. Just a simple metaphor meant to tell a story with a message. But for some reason the Great Unwashed began to lose sight of that.
What happened was, they started believing in cheese pizza literally, Santa Cruz. Millions and millions of them. And they passed that belief down generation after generation until eventually even the Great Washed started believing in it! And that’s when a very strange thing began to happen, Santa Cruz.
Just take a look at cheese pizza on the menu to see what I’m talking about. You’ll notice that the letters never stay still, Santa Cruz. They’re always moving slightly, wavy like a mirage in the Italian desert. Cheese Pizza … Cheese Pizza…
It’s an inherited hallucination, Santa Cruz. And by now a fixed delusion so ancient and vast it’s locked into the genetic code. Some call it “The DiGiornio Code.” And it’s in the DNA of nearly everyone now!
But not quite everyone. There is one exception. I’m talking about a very small and esoteric group of extremely powerful people, Santa Cruz. They’re members of an ancient secret society called the Peproni of Scalion.
The Peproni’s membership history stretches back nearly two thousand years and is comprised of several famous Italian luminaries including Dante, Michelangelo, and Madonna, to name a few.
Their whole purpose for nearly two millennia has been to keep the truth alive about the relationship between pepperoni and cheese, and to not reveal it to anyone outside the Peproni until just the right time.
Wow, I’m afraid I may have told you too much, Santa Cruz. I think I got a little carried away there. But I can’t help it! Like I told you, this issue about pepperoni and cheese pizza has been really dogging me! I don’t think I can hold it in any longer!
You see, my name really isn’t Will Fargo, Santa Cruz. It’s Linguini Macaroni! And I’m not just some loser who drives an old Ford Fairlane with two bad shocks.
OK, I lied before about only one shock being bad. But I had to, don’t you see? I’m too proud to admit that I’m flat broke, Santa Cruz!
But I can’t afford to work! I’m very busy with something extremely important but that doesn’t pay crap! Don’t you wonder how I know about the Peproni of Scalion if it’s such a big secret? It’s because I am a member, Santa Cruz. In fact, I’m the only member left!
But I can’t go on like this, working so hard every day just to keep myself from blurting out the big secret. I feel like I’m gonna collapse from all the centuries and centuries of weight from this powerful secret on my back!
So I’ve made a decision, Santa Cruz. Since you asked about it, in all your innocence with the psychic wavelength and all that crap… I must take this as a sign that the time has finally come.
And I now must fulfill my duty as the Grand Master of the Peproni of Scalion and reveal the truth that’s been hidden behind this false belief in cheese pizza for nearly two thousand years!!
So here goes, Santa Cruz. Have you got your Pepsi in hand, because I’m gonna let it fly!
Santa Cruz, pepperoni and cheese aren’t just friends that hang out together telling stories with tomato sauce and crust all day long. They’re inseparable, Santa Cruz. And they’ve been together for centuries as…. are you ready?… domestic partners with children!!
Santa Cruz…. Sausage and Mushrooms are the children of Pepperoni and Cheese!!!
There, I said it. It’s out. But what’s going to happen now? The pizza industry will be thrown into turmoil! Who could possibly have the heart now to order anything but a pizza with everything? They’d be tearing apart a whole family, Santa Cruz!!
And where will it stop? Soon we may only have one choice of salad dressing… only one breakfast combo… or… oh no!…or… only one flavor of ice cream!!
Oh my God, what have I done?! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?
