May 2009

The Head Fool Speaks – May 09

May 1, 2009

The “Best of Foolish Times, Volume 1″ hits the stands today. Thanks to all the writers and staff over the years who helped make it possible! (I’d love to name them all, but I can’t even remember what I had for lunch.) A special thanks to the advertisers who stuck with us and to the [...]

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The Truth About Honey – May 09

May 1, 2009

I feel a little like Charlton Heston in “Soylent Green” here writing this article, but I feel it’s warranted, considering the lies we’ve been fed so many years now as to the origins of a certain golden sweet substance we’ve become accustomed to and so very fond of. Our fondness of it is so great, [...]

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Daycare at the Rock and Roll Hospital – May 09

May 1, 2009

by Helene Constant “What’s that smell?” asked my little darling, wrinkling up her nose as we lay in her teeny tiny bed reading a bed-time story. “It’s raccoon,” I said, holding up her stuffed raccoon, who was listening to the story with us. “He ate beans for dinner.” “Oooh, Mom,” she said, holding her nose [...]

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Monterey’s Street System Is Torturous—It Was Invented by the Marquis de Sade

May 1, 2009

By Wrongway Sam Monterey is a poster child for cities with confusing street systems. Meanwhile, the other Peninsula cities help to add to the confusion. Santa Maria of 30 years ago before new development threw a monkey wrench into the works had the closest thing to a perfect grid street system. The city was bisected [...]

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Sports Are for Wussies – May 09

May 1, 2009

The effeminate nature of men watching sports. By James Stevens Black A man crouches in his chair and watches a simple football game. Before him on his oversized television are displayed 300+-pound sweaty men in tight spandex bent over and wrestling one another. They dive and flop around in a strange ballet, all focused on [...]

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Another Moth on the Barby – May 09

May 1, 2009

By Aaron S. Birk There is a Light Brown Apple Moth humping my shoulder. No, really, the little bugger just crawled right up there and started working away at my eloquent yellow Tommy Bahama shirt like Paris Hilton on a Saturday night. My first instinct…squash the little Aussie bastard and feed him to my python [...]

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Sammon Says – May 09

May 1, 2009

Help, Peter Pan (aka Randy Constan)-I’m a Lost Boy! A couple years ago I did a story on a musician named Randy Constan who is in reality Peter Pan. Hey, if he isn’t the real Peter Pan, he wouldn’t have a website that draws millions of visitors and that helps children in need with donations, [...]

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FOOL-O-SCOPE – May 09

May 1, 2009

by Claire Voyant May birthdays: May is Older Americans Month, which you will be officially joining as you blow out how many candles on your birthday cake?!? On a related note, National Preservation Month becomes more meaningful to you… ARIES (3/21-4/19): In Japan, there is a so-called “May sickness,” in which students or workers tire [...]

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Boozing by Rail – May 09

May 1, 2009

by Aunt Woo   The mysterious lure of The Orient Express… Do you feel a spine-tingling thrill just thinking about it? The fantasy of The Orient Express throws my thoughts into an intriguing time warp, a romantic fantasy that leaves me breathless. My senses are alive! “All Aboard!” The melodious voice of the conductor rings [...]

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Current Love – May 09

May 1, 2009

Ever since the Boys of Enron slipped their greedy hands into our pockets and stole our lunch money, I’ve been on a mad mission to conserve energy.  My favorite energy-saving trick is to dry my clothes outdoors on a dryer rack which I purchased from Target and set up on my deck. I’ve never once [...]

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Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice – May 09

May 1, 2009

(And Special Answers to Questionable Questions) By Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo Dear Will, How come you never see pepperoni on anything but pizza? Doesn’t that seem strange to you? I don’t know why, Will, but I worry about stuff like this all the time. My intuition tells me something really weird is going on here. [...]

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Editor’s Note – May 09

May 1, 2009

We’ve been planning our “Blast from the Past” issue for some time now, but it’s taken awhile to put together. As we worked our way through the archives, we began to get a sort of “Uh-oh” feeling. As in, “Uh-oh, we have WAY too many favorite stories, cartoons, limericks, photos, etc. than we can possibly [...]

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So It Goes

May 1, 2009

by Jason Love, Syndicated Humor Columnist The Wide, Wide World of Competitive Eating Ever since curling found its way into the Olympics, our concept of sport has so devolved that ESPN is now televising darts. Call me old-fashioned, but when I turn on ESPN and people are throwing darts, they had better be aiming at [...]

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The Starving Artist of Carmel – May 09

May 1, 2009

By Nicole Kidding You know him simply as Carmel artist McAllister “Mickey” Whiney, manufacturing customized masterpieces from his charming cottage-like production studio (i.e., a Volvo) parked quietly next to the Jiffy Lube. But like most artists, his story is anything but simple. His humble beginnings took place in a modest, million-dollar bungalow in Carmel, where [...]

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I’m a Victim – May 09

May 1, 2009

By David Filmore Let me explain why I assaulted 437 people at the School for the Pregnant, Elderly, and Utterly Defenseless: I’m a victim. I grew up with nothing-no swimming pool, no cable, only the most primitive of touch-tone phones. (The cord only reached six feet.) I suffered a lot of mental abuse from my [...]

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Videotapes From Hell – May 09

May 1, 2009

My daughter pulled a videotape from a box in the basement. “New Kids on the Block?” she asked, looking at a faded VHS tape cover featuring five kids who looked like they needed better parents. “It’s not mine,” I said, sounding strangely defensive. “I’d rather own ‘ABBA Sings the Blues.’” “Whatever,” she said in the [...]

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Adventures with Rex – May 09

May 1, 2009

VALENTINE’S FOR MILLIE “Rex, it’s time to think about a Valentine’s gift for Millie. She’s your main squeeze, so we have to get an appropriate gift for her. Last year’s Valentine was a dud, if you recall. We got her a cow bone to gnaw on, remember? Half a femur, I believe. She felt the [...]

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