April 2009

The Expiration Date – The Bachelors April 09

April 1, 2009

The show supports a guy having multiple women. Brigham Young, bring ‘em on. Think about it. Twenty-five women and one guy. All televised. Big ratings. Hell, I was riveted every Monday night. Knowing how I am, I put myself in the position of one of the twenty-five, seemingly lobotomized (but beautiful, if not surgically enhanced) [...]

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Lost Journal – April 09

April 1, 2009

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular entry may be about a day last week, or Halloween 1980, or the day he was born. Some of you may [...]

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Hiking – April 09

April 1, 2009

I went for a walk in the woods today-or more accurately, I went for a hike in the woods. I enjoy walks. They allow me to exercise without me even being aware of the fact that I’m exercising. One rule that I’m very committed to following when I walk is the “no incline” rule. If [...]

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Are We Victims of the Fifties? – April 09

April 1, 2009

By Leeuna Foster I grew up in the late 1950s and early 60s. We rode in cars without seat belts, and in the backs of pick-up trucks. Our parents hit us in public and so did our teachers. We ate loads of sugar and chocolate (not candy…actual sugar and cocoa powder. We pretended it was [...]

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Chet Happens – April 09

April 1, 2009

“Yo! Coco!” Chet’s salty voice vaulted out of Coco’s voicemail with a full-gainer and half-twist, and stuck the landing in her good albeit nondominant ear. “Me and Violet are quits. Can I see you?” Coco froze, an odd response during this heat wave. She melted onto the sofa, her emotions boiling over, thus soaking the [...]

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Home Alone – April 09

April 1, 2009

Day 1-I come home from work and find the garage door partly open. “What’s going on?” I wonder. I go inside to check and find a strange dog in the garage. Whose dog is that? “Get! Go away! Shoo!” I guess I will just leave the garage door open until it decides to leave. I’ve [...]

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Head Fool – April 09

April 1, 2009

On the 24th of this month the Firesign Theatre invades Monterey. I’ll be there to help celebrate Nick Danger’s 40th (damn, I’m old) birthday. If you haven’t seen this zany group back in the day, don’t miss this possible last or next-to-last or whatever live performance! That’s enough-I’m off on a mini vacation. Gonna have [...]

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Adventures With Rex – In the Stretch April 09

April 1, 2009

I took Rex down to Point Piños in Pacific Grove. We stayed in the car for a while-he woofing at seagulls and me woofing at the girls doing yoga in Spandex on the sand in front of me. The gulls and the girls finally disappeared, and we ventured down to the waves. A Canada goose [...]

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Fool-o-Scope – April 09

April 1, 2009

April birthdays: You will witness a special ceremony. Sorry I can’t be more specific about the details. All I know is that it involves you, a judge, a couple of lawyers, some plaintiffs, a jury, and a swearing-in of some sort that ends with the words “So help me God”-nope, sorry, just can’t make any [...]

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Brow Beaten – April 09

April 1, 2009

By Giosue’ Santarelli I don’t know if it is that men are trained not to notice their looks like women, but there is a disturbing trend among the male population. Many older gentlemen, even some high-profile figures, are growing moustaches above their eyes! What is it with the caterpillar eyebrow look? It seems to me [...]

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Did She Say “La Tease”? – April 09

April 1, 2009

Put on your thinking caps, boys and girls-it’s quiz time! The nice folks who gave us Botox are marketing a glaucoma drug approved for: (a) telekinesis; (b) hemorrhoids; or (c) eyelash growth. Eyelashes! Good guess! We in the scientific elite affectionately call the drug (Z)-7-[(1R,2R,3R,5S)-3,5-Dihydroxy-2-[(1E,3S)-3-hydroxy-5-phenyl-1-pentenyl]cyclopentyl]-5-N-ethylheptenamide. Do you know the brand name? (A) Harry Peepers; (b) [...]

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With This Ring… – April 09

April 1, 2009

Taking care of twenty-three homeless cats is like being The Enabler in twenty-three marriages. When friends suggest a Twelve-Step Program, you say, “No, really, everything’s fine . . . .” I wasn’t always like this. I used to be a serial monogamist, but now, I’ve lost all control, and it’s not my fault; do you [...]

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The Redneck Review – April 09

April 1, 2009

By Brent Basham I’d Like to Thank… Where do I begin? This is just such an honor, really. I’m at a complete loss for words. I take that back. It’s obvious from the existence of the following paragraphs that’s simply not true. I can’t back that up. Let me start over. For the better part [...]

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So It Goes – April 09

April 1, 2009

By Jason Love Population We’ve heard some bleak reviews of the human race, but deep down I think that people are generally… everywhere. Especially during rush hour. It’s not that people are bad; we’re just a little bit squished. Remember sixth-grade science? “See, Jimmy, as the rat population grows too dense, the animals start to [...]

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Jason the Fool – April 09

April 1, 2009

The Over-40 ABC Book The Toddler dropped a book in my lap. Although I realized a long time ago that the most important accessory to any father’s wardrobe is a cup, I was unprepared. I’m just glad I have good reflexes. “Read it, Daddy,” she said in her sweet, two-year-old voice, which, by the time [...]

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Sammon Says – Adam’s Apple April 09

April 1, 2009

I’m talking to this guy and he has a huge Adam’s apple. I can’t help it. I can’t look in his eyes. I have to watch his Adam’s apple, as it bobs up and down. What’s up with that? The Adam’s apple is the only part of the body directly tied to the Biblical story [...]

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Editor’s Note – April 09

April 1, 2009

Due to economic conditions, we’ve been forced to raise our price from free to gratis. We did everything we could to avoid it. But we really needed the gratis. Why? To pay for our new digs, of course! And the Jacuzzi. And the Mercedes. Plus, it’s just hard being funny all the time. Look at [...]

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