March birthdays: As you celebrate your birthday this March, remember that your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have. Don’t worry about the fact that they are all feline friends. Don’t worry that others call you “strange,” “creepy,” or “that weird cat lady who lives on the corner.” Worry instead about the amount of cat hair in your cake batter.
ARIES (3/21-4/19): Nature, time, and patience are the three best physicians. Lucky for you. With the state of health care the way it is, they are the only three physicians you can afford.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Happy news is on its way to you. It has been on its way to you for years. It has not reached you because it fell behind a desk at the post office. I’m not sure which one. You might try one of the post offices in eastern Europe.
GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you. Consider relegating your thieving to night, rather than day, and to strangers, rather than friends and family, and to neighboring towns, rather than your own.
CANCER (6/22-7/22): Life will throw you a pleasant curve. Not a Barry Zito type of curve, but a typical sandlot curve you can punch into right field because the right fielder usually has the weakest arm. Hit life’s pleasant curves toward the right fielder. The unpleasant ones you don’t have a chance at anyway.
LEO (7/23-8/22): Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go. They never quite catch you, but you can be sure they are following at a safe distance so as not to destroy the ennui and boredom you so carefully cultivate.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before. Easier said than done, you say? Not at all! Luckily you have numerous chins and can manage all three at once!
LIBRA (9/23-10/22): A pleasant surprise is in store for you. But it will be extremely unpleasant if you have a pacemaker or a history of heart trouble.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): It takes more than a good memory to have good memories. It takes an exotic lifestyle, fame, fortune, and numerous lovers. So to improve your memory, forget the fish oil and start playing the lottery.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): A thrilling time is in your immediate future. Of course, these words were written a month ago to hit deadline. That thrilling time is gone forever.
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): Ideas are like children; there are none so wonderful as your own. Of course, your own ideas usually come from someone else. So when studying that family portrait, you might ask yourself why your wife has always insisted on taking her yoga classes so late at night.
AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): Many people find beauty in the ordinary. You find beauty not in the ordinary, but only in the beautiful. Do not lose this ability. It is the only one you have.
PISCES (2/19-3/20): Something you lost will soon turn up. Namely, your heartburn.