March 2009

Metro

March 2, 2009

Metro The other night my date asked a question that seems to be on everyone’s mind: “Are you gay or just well-spoken?”   I’ve been taking this grief since elementary, when other kids wondered aloud whether I was a boy or a girl. Evidently, I have some feminine properties. For starters, I’m nice to people [...]

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Sammon Says – A Fiery Cylindrical Vortex

March 1, 2009

They’re coming. They’re taking over. The economy is the least of your worries. There is a gigantic swirling vortex in outer space scientists are not aware of, that is funneling alien organisms that will ultimately rob the food chain of its life-giving nutrients, as well as spread impotency among people.

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Adventures With Rex – The Rare Oingo Bongo Fruit Bat

March 1, 2009

Rex and I had been watching a PBS special on TV. The program was about bats; I have always liked them and found them fascinating to observe.

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The Expiration Date – Dog Tired, or Sleepless and Single in a Small Space

March 1, 2009

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m turning into one of those crotchety old people. I don’t know. I seem to have lost my patience these days, with dating (or trying to) and other things, even the incidentals of life. While doing my laundry the other day, I found myself wrestling with my hangers. They were all [...]

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Posing As Normal – Lighteth Mine Fire

March 1, 2009

Man, what a rough winter. Not the temperature, but the humiliation. For months my down coat has leaked feathers through the lining. Then, during each workday, bits of fluff waved to the world from my back and butt. My work subordinates…oh, wait…I have no subordinates…um, my co-workers clucked through staff meetings and hid corn in [...]

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Mind Your Peas

March 1, 2009

Have a bad year and wishing for better luck next year? Try eating some black-eyed peas. Black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day are a southern tradition. There seems to be little agreement on how this custom began, though, or why a food as humble as black-eyed peas might be considered lucky.

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Jason The Fool – Good News

March 1, 2009

It’s not often the news means something to the average guy. Why, for example, should I care that, according to Fox News, Britain’s Prince William has been forbidden “to associate with Paris (Hilton)?”

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Secretaries

March 1, 2009

When did the American workforce abolish secretaries? Heard recently on a radio commercial was the celebration of “Administrative Assistants Day.” It sounded so odd to the ear that it cast doubt that any self-respecting chauvinistic boss would want to chase one of those around the desk at the office.

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Antiques Roadshow

March 1, 2009

The other day I was flipping through television channels with the anticipation of something catching my attention. My attention is not picky, and can usually be caught as easily as a trout at a sportsman exhibition fishpond. But as luck would have it, not one of the 13 channels had anything worth biting. And yes, [...]

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Best of The Inbox – March 09

March 1, 2009

Humor for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words) 1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now. 4. To write [...]

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Limmericks – March 09

March 1, 2009

Performance EnhancingIt’s true that stories of steroids Enhanced the growth of our tabloids But also, it’s clear Grown pains in the rear Baseball execs’ flared-up hemorrhoids

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Fool O Scope – March 09

March 1, 2009

March birthdays: As you celebrate your birthday this March, remember that your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have. Don’t worry about the fact that they are all feline friends. Don’t worry that others call you “strange,” “creepy,” or “that weird cat lady who lives on the corner.” Worry instead about the [...]

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Camp Colon

March 1, 2009

I’m the only one I know who’s had fun during a colonoscopy.   The sole reason I signed up for it was because my brother had recently had a cancerous polyp removed from his colon, and he urged me to get checked out, too. Fine. I’ll go. Just don’t bug me anymore, OK? Big brothers [...]

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