February birthdays: The candles on your cake provide the séance-like atmosphere that enables you to channel the spirits of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper, who do a birthday tribute to you on The Day Your Youth Died.
ARIES (3/21-4/19): This February proves to be the perfect escape for you, the adventurous Arian. A comet breaks through the earth’s atmosphere, temporarily opening a portal to another world where reality TV shows do not exist.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Ask yourself a question during Dump Your Significant Jerk Week: “Out of all the jerks in my life, who is the most significant?” Don’t be surprised if it’s hard to pick just one.
GEMINI (5/21-6/21): You shouldn’t have any problems with Be Humble Day, as you are modest and unassuming by nature. However, be on guard on Charles Dickens Day, when your suppressed memories of slogging through “Great Expectations” in seventh grade come back to haunt you in the form of three ghosts.
CANCER (6/22-7/22): Let go of the past this Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day. There is no whiteout to remove those pictures of you on the Internet. But look on the bright side—not many people will recognize you by that mole on your [censored].
LEO (7/23-8/22): You’ve always thought bigger than most would dare. So, this month, take the creative opportunity to reinvent yourself on Who Shall I Be Day. But, you might not want to try out your new Lambchop persona at your macho buddy’s Super Bowl party.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Open your heart this month on Make a Friend Day. Don’t be afraid to show and share your emotional vulnerability, although sobbing on the shoulder of the bagger at the grocery store over the price of kiwi might be going a bit far.
LIBRA (9/23-10/22): Never one to hurt your parents’ feelings, you’ve always shied away from your secret desire to celebrate Get a Different Name Day. But this month, put the niceties aside and meditate until your true name comes to you like a vision of madness, the one name that reflects your alter ego: Snotty Wafflechunks.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Use your dislike of the establishment and convention to promote a little known but monumental cause: Move Hollywood (& Broadway) to Lebanon, Pennsylvania Day. Just imagine the endless opportunities for Amish extras and bologna and Wertz candy product placements!
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): This month, your optimism comes in handy on Do a Grouch a Favor Day. Do whatever it takes to make a grouch grin. One word of advice, which came to me last night after watching a certain DVD: watching a computer-animated Underdog rap may make a grouch groan.
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): This Valentine’s Day, fight your miserly tendencies by giving your sweetie two boxes of candy hearts instead of one. And no, they don’t make dollar-off coupons for a 59-cent box of candy.
AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18): This month, you will experience a disturbing spiritual awakening when Punxsutawney Phil awakens from his winter snooze, pops out of his den, and shares with you the ultimate meaning of life, which will cause you to seek psychological care for an unspecified duration of time.
PISCES (2/19-3/20): This month, allow your kindness to extend to your neighbors. I know you say you’ve celebrated it all along, but I’m afraid you’ve been getting it all wrong. The holiday is, technically, Wave ALL Your Fingers (as in, hello) At Your Neighbors Day…