February 2009

Tony’s Ticklers – Feb 09

February 3, 2009

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Sorry, but you’re not really my type. Nope, no more booze for me. Good evening, [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – Feb 09

February 3, 2009

February birthdays: The candles on your cake provide the séance-like atmosphere that enables you to channel the spirits of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper, who do a birthday tribute to you on The Day Your Youth Died. ARIES (3/21-4/19): This February proves to be the perfect escape for you, the adventurous Arian. [...]

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Fool Laughs – Feb 09

February 3, 2009

The Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar, and ordered a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be one cent.” “One cent?” the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice, juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” “A nickel,” the barman replied. “A nickel?” exclaimed the [...]

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Limmericks – Feb 09

February 3, 2009

Inauguration We’ve voted ourselves a new Prez and mostly we like what he sez but what can he do with a human zoo of people who think in low-res? The zoo is, of course, our Congress unlikely to lose its fondness for pork over beef and the firm belief that others created the mess “Others,” [...]

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Two Short Pieces – Feb 09

February 3, 2009

THE NEW MILITARY Military experts say that future wars will be fought completely different than any war we’ve ever been involved with in the past. Fighter jets will be unmanned. Cameras will be attached to the jets and people will fly them from the safety of a control station hundreds if not thousands of miles [...]

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The Cow

February 3, 2009

by Akasha Halsey At a book signing last night, the author mentioned a man who died when he was bumped over the edge of a cliff by a cow. A couple of things came to mind: “Great opening sentence” was one and then I thought, “Now THERE’S a story…” Cliff, edge, man—okay, kinda gets my [...]

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Shakespeare at Sea!

February 3, 2009

A Brief Memoir by David Ossman Founding Member of The Firesign Theatre Rick Shakespeare, balding and bearded, looking remarkably like his famous ancestor, William, waited for me at the top of the gangplank leading onto his yacht, “Tem-Pest II,” docked at the Monterey Marina. It was a “Da Vinci Code” moment for me, because, on [...]

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The Regift

February 3, 2009

The Regift By Aaron S. Birk “Revenge (or Regift) is a dish best served cold.” —Edited Sicilian Proverb Come on, admit it, you’ve done it, and you, dear reader, are guilty as charged. You have repackaged a gift you didn’t really want and given it to someone else! That sinful regifting of an item so [...]

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Local Man Seeks Help

February 3, 2009

Local Man Seeks Help Dateline—Monterey, CA We at Foolish Times interviewed, once again, the venerable local gadfly, Tom Burns. The interview took place outside East Village Coffee Shop. Mr. Burns was in a flower print kimono, making a sidewalk colored-chalk rendering of the Three Stooges.

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Pinewood Derby

February 3, 2009

When I was a boy, I was also a scout. I don’t have a plethora of scout memories, but I do remember Pinewood Derbies. For those of you who don’t have a clue what I’m referring to, a Pinewood Derby is a car race. The cars are approximately 8 inches in length and are made [...]

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Dating vs. Relationships

February 3, 2009

Dating vs. Relationships By Giosue’ Santarelli Aside from the obvious perks of having a long-term steady significant other, there is an advantage to such dedicated lifestyles. Sure, you have to deal with your partner’s family, mother-in-law, and strange Uncle Carl, but the sacrifice is worth it when you consider that having a steady partner is [...]

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Jason the fool – Feb 09

February 3, 2009

Blue Slips of paper have been appearing on our living room wall. I ignored them at first, but they keep appearing. Sometimes there are four, sometimes three, sometimes only one. But they all have two things in common: 1) none of them ever stays up for more than a day, and 2) they’re all shades [...]

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Sacking the SuperBowl

February 2, 2009

Sacking the SuperBowl By Sheila Moss The SuperBowl is a media event that includes pre-game entertainment, a star-studded half-time show, celebrity interviews, a week of media blitz, and unprecedented commercial extravaganza. There is also a football game. The SuperBowl hype starts weeks early so that everyone can have an opportunity to stock up on beer, [...]

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Love, Regifted

February 2, 2009

Love, Regifted by Mary Tompsett Deep within the cold, bleak heart of February lurks the feast of St. Valentine. According to legend, Val’s cryptic signature of “Veal sinneth” was decoded centuries later to “St. Valentine” by a dyslexic Hallmark copy editor. Ever notice that our ideas of what’s “attractive” can change? In the old days [...]

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Sleeping with Dogs

February 2, 2009

Sleeping with Dogs By Robyn Justo Call me the Beastmistress. I had a few strange pets when I was growing up. I preferred the non-domesticated ones like wild cats and ducks. I would make my Dad pick up wounded birds and put them in shoeboxes and beg him to catch squirrels too. And of course [...]

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Adventures with Rex – Feb 09

February 2, 2009

A Heart Torn Asunder I had just finished watching a PBS special, Raging Torrents of Black and White: When Good Pandas Go Bad, and noticed Rex was sitting in the kitchen looking at his empty food bowl. “Oh, rats, Rex, we used the last of your food this morning. Let’s hop on down to Ocean [...]

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Help, Peter Pan (aka Randy Constan)—I’m a Lost Boy!

February 2, 2009

A couple years ago I did a story on a musician named Randy Constan who is in reality Peter Pan. Hey, if he isn’t the real Peter Pan, he wouldn’t have a website that draws millions of visitors and that helps children in need with donations, and he wouldn’t be a guest on TV talk [...]

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