January 2009

The Head Fool Speaks

January 7, 2009

700 billion, 25 billion, now that’s funny! i need about $17.89 to keep Foolish Times going for six months. I decided to go to Washington for a bailout- er, I mean an economic stimulus package. I’ve learned from my fellow moguls and won’t (can’t) repeat their mistakes. No private jet, no bonuses, no lavish weekend [...]

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Editor’s Note – January 09

January 7, 2009

We’ve started the New Year with a bang here at Foolish Times—and a reminder that firecrackers are best enjoyed OUTSIDE the office. Anyway, just listen to these story titles, and tell me you don’t want to jump right in and start your New Year’s worth of Foolish reading: “Fire Training,” “The Glass Slipper and the [...]

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Fool Laughs – January 09

January 7, 2009

The Ring An older gentleman walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to [...]

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Local Man’s Idea to Reduce Carbon Gas Emissions & Global Energy Waste

January 7, 2009

Dateline—Monterey, CA We at Foolish Times have had a rare opportunity to interview the local Tom Burns, a far-thinking futurist and heretical conservationist. Mr. Burns was interviewed while on his back, wearing cowboy boots and a Speedo, making “sand angels” at Del Monte beach. FT: Mr. Burns, we understand you have a rather controversial idea [...]

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Job Hopping in the Ancient World

January 7, 2009

When I completed my MBA degree from the Business School of Babylon, I counted on having my choice of job offers. But, this being 380 B.C., MBAs were raining from the sky like manna. The economy was bad: shipping had been down for years due to many factors—sea beasts in the Mediterranean, evil winds blowing [...]

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Writimus Blockosis

January 7, 2009

Sometimes writers experience a phenomenon called “writer’s block.” This is when a big block of wood or concrete is inserted into a writer’s head where his/her brain would normally be. When that occurs, all creativity comes to an abrupt, airbag-deploying halt. Other than the sudden loss of creativity, all other mind and bodily functions continue [...]

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The Friendly Skies?

January 7, 2009

Is there anything like time away from the old grind? If ever you’ve been on an airplane, the experience can be as stressful as a day at the salt mine. To board your plane on time you have to arrive at the airport hours ahead of time while your jet is still refueling in Cucamonga. [...]

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Jason the Fool – January 09

January 7, 2009

Womentoiletopia At some point, everyone experiences something life-changing. Sometimes it’s because of a traumatic event, sometimes it’s because you’ve read a really neat book, and sometimes it’s because you suddenly discover you’re not hard of hearing, you just needed to cut your hair. My life-changing event happened because I was in public and had to [...]

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HumorScope for the New Year

January 7, 2009

What’s in the stars for the New Year? While I admit my zodiac is bit cracked, I have nevertheless consulted the stars to deliver a personalized astrological prediction just for the readers of this column. Any resemblance to an actual horoscope reading is purely coincidental, and I will not be responsible for accidents or incidents [...]

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Tony’s Ticklers – January 09

January 7, 2009

51 Days A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, and take their order over to a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled, [...]

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Posing as Normal – A Vote for Wordplay

January 7, 2009

Fantasy. Obsession. Insatiability. An electrifying, mesmerizing relationship for months on end. Out of this grew a savage addiction to streetcorner proselytes, nocturnal prognostications and—it shames me to say—wildly erotic polls. Erotic IS the word for “capricious,” right?? Then, in early November, the lengthy rapture coupled with an imploding economy. Kapow! An abyss of deflated confidence, [...]

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Adventures With Rex

January 7, 2009

Christmas was over, the empty bottles from the New Year’s Eve party lay strewn about the living room, and the Christmas tree stood quietly dehydrating in the living room corner. All that could be cleaned up later, perhaps by July or August, but I had bigger fish to fry: I needed a New Year’s Resolution. [...]

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The Glass Slipper and the Codpiece

January 7, 2009

Several years ago, after I kicked Carl to the curb (oh, I had my reasons, believe-you-me), I did what I always do when I’m in pain. I ate seven squares of dark chocolate (70% cacao) and surfed the internet. I was suddenly interested in Cinderella. To my amazement, I found out she was born in [...]

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So It Goes – January 09

January 7, 2009

Fire Training I’ve been attracted to fire from an early age, when dad caught me “mowing” the lawn with a blowtorch. “I don’t care if it is a controlled burn; you get your butt inside.” Only recently, when firemen trained in my area, did I learn what dad already knew: Fire is evil. Training took [...]

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Best of the Inbox – Jan 09

January 7, 2009

Hits for Aging Baby Boomers Some of the artists of the 60’s and 70’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include: Herman’s Hermits—Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker Ringo Starr—I Get By With a Little Help from Depends The Bee Gees—How Can You Mend a Broken Hip [...]

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Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice

January 7, 2009

Dear Will, I’m thinking of making a New Year’s resolution this year that will really make a difference in my life. But I’m coming up short with ideas. You see, I can’t really think of anything about me that needs changing. I pretty much have my act together. But I know I’m probably not perfect [...]

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Thank You for HONNNNKKKK

January 7, 2009

You know who you are. Every morning you pull up next door to pick up my neighbor for work. But instead of getting out of the car and ringing his doorbell, you sit there and lay on the horn. HONNNNKKKK. HONNNNKKKK. Such a lovely sound! I look forward to it every day. How else would [...]

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