What a time of turmoil-presidential election, escalating fuel prices, roiling stock market, the Colts fighting for a wild card spot. Verily, the last days are upon us. But one thing you can count on in these foolish times is Foolish Times. In this issue Tim Ehlerding talks about presidential mud-slinging; Sheila Moss reports on the gas crisis; Rosie Sorenson offers practical advice for keeping your sanity in the midst of insanity; Giosue Santarelli tips us off on the best bargain currently going; and Jason Love talks kitesurfing (for our money, the cheapest way to get to work, although coming down Alvarado Street can be tricky). Our popular “Inbox” department focuses on investment tips, new stock market terms, and more. Foolish Times-you know we will always be there for you. Unless there’s a game on or something.

Ghost Story
An out-of-state traveler was hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain. Read the rest of this article »

Guys will do anything for a rush: jump out of airplanes, skate on handrails, ride animals that clearly prefer to be left alone. Boys will spin in circles until they black out and collapse (nature’s way of preparing them for keg parties).

Some turn into junkies. You’ll find them on the bungee bridge pleading with management: “Come on, man, one more jump. You know I’m good for it.”

I live near a kitesurfing zone, where people get their kicks with sky bonnets. Here I found kitesurfing champ Wes Matweyew with his bone-deep tan. Wes is always taking off for Costa Rica or Mammoth or some other place where the X-gamers go to risk their lives. It’s a thin line between crazy and courageous. Read the rest of this article »

A few weeks ago we had a gasoline crisis in the area. The media reported that we are on a major pipeline that brings oil from the Gulf. The report mentioned there could be about 25% less flowing because some oil refineries still are not back to normal since Gustav.

Immediately phones started ringing, people started calling other people, and everyone jumped in their car and sped to the gas station-just in case there might be a shortage.

PANIC!
Lines grew; other people saw the lines and figured something must be going on. So, they got in the line too. After all, if there was going to be a gas shortage, they wanted to be sure their tank was full.
Read the rest of this article »

In the era of high economic uncertainty, there is one product that is head and shoulders above the others in the “more for the money” category. Dental floss is a bargain! The top-of-the-line high-quality floss is $3.98 for 100 yards of the stuff. Better yet, you can get good-quality generic floss for less than $2 for the same quantity. That works out to less than 2 cents per twelve inches. Try and find that price when looking for a foot-long hotdog or hoagie!

The days of penny candy may be gone but penny floss (which also sounds like the name of an innocent school girl, or a bad rendition of a misquoted Beatles song) is a product whose time has come! Dentists who have captured every source of the tooth decay market have overlooked this one golden nugget. Read the rest of this article »

I have decided to stop watching television sitcoms. There seems to be a common theme running through each of them that just doesn’t sit well with me. The writers of these sitcoms must all drink the same brand of creative formula, because whenever they spit something up, it pretty much all looks and smells the same. I can envision the initial brainstorming session by a typical writing team trying to come up with the basic premise for a new sitcom.

Writer #1: “Okay, here’s what I’ve got so far. It’s a family. 90% of the show will take place in their living room. And the father of the family is a chowder-head.”
Read the rest of this article »

Let the holidays begin! Thump. CRASH! Ow, ow, owie!! That was the sound of drop-kicking the bathroom scale into the garage until January. Remind me next time not to kick it while wearing sandals.

Thanksgiving-a holiday to appreciate family, friends, love, elastic waistbands. Even as I write this, tears of nostalgia are flushing the crud from my keyboard. Four siblings and I are walking miracles! Why? We survived Mom’s cooking.

Memories of mealtimes in the “good old days” may warm the heart, but actually eating my family’s fare could perforate the esophagus. Granted, Mom had the task of feeding seven people, but by golly, she never let nutrition dampen her creativity. She not only marched to her own drummer, she whirled our parade into a parallel universe, and transformed mealtime into an adventure-without the luggage or potty stops. Read the rest of this article »

NOVEMBER birthdays:
In the first feast, the pilgrims didn’t have mashed potatoes because many Europeans thought the newly discovered potato was poisonous. Boy, were they dumb. Don’t be a pilgrim, enjoy your birthday feast!

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Your competitive nature often places you first in everything, and this Thanksgiving is no exception: You will be the first one to finish dinner and the first one to break Uncle Buck’s record for the most turkey consumed in one sitting. You will also be the first one to reach for the Rolaids. Read the rest of this article »

My comments and opinions have been rather brutal regarding dating sites, but I have always secretly hoped to hear one of those success stories (something I could personally relate to and not a contrived Eharmony infomercial showing those goofy people who look like brother and sister and probably are).

So let me start at the beginning. Read the rest of this article »

Investment Tips
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros. and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. Read the rest of this article »

My plans for that sunny fall Saturday were to plant some new azalea bushes along the back fence and then get up on the roof and patch the fireplace flashing at the roofline with some black goopy stuff.

But first, the azaleas. I remembered my last attempt at planting azaleas in the back yard-Rex had evidently decided that the azaleas were not the proper things to plant there: he excavated them all out as soon as I had finished. He had shredded them to the point they were only good for the compost pile. Where happy little azaleas had just been, lay flora-strewn open pits. That was a hundred bucks down the drain. Damned dog. Read the rest of this article »

I’ve got it!

As you read this, more mud is being slung in this Presidential race than at a demolition derby in rural Indiana. The earth recently excavated at our grade school’s new gymnasium pales compared to the dirt getting dug up by today’s political parties. More filth, more muck, and more grime is being slung than at a mud volleyball game at a high-school homecoming celebration. Read the rest of this article »

A man walked into a bar one day and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.” He pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar.

Well, the bartender couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” he couldn’t help but ask. “I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?” “Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy. “Like what?” asked the bartender. Read the rest of this article »

There was something wrong that Sunday morning as my family and I sat in church. I just didn’t know what.
The something wrong wasn’t because I sweat like a coal shoveler every time I step into a church-I’ve finally come to terms with that. I sweat because of all the candles, or the stain glass magnifying the pre-kickoff sunlight, or knowing the Host is really high in carbs. Yeah, it has nothing to do with all that “thou shalt not” stuff I keep forgetting about until it’s too late. Read the rest of this article »

It’s gotten so bad lately, what with the conflagration in our economy, the mess in Iraq, and the startling arrival of that moose-eating, beauty-pageant-smiling humanoid, that I’ve taken to making animal noises. Cow noises, in particular. You know-for those occasions when words don’t care enough to send the very best?

I discovered quite by accident one day that if I kept my lips together, thrust my tongue against my hard palate, and squeezed the air out of my diaphragm while at the same time vibrating my vocal cords, I sounded just like a cow in distress and, let’s face it, isn’t that what we all feel right now? A lot of DISTRESS!!! Read the rest of this article »

A bizarre event I covered as a reporter a few years back was a big-game-hunting convention in Reno, Nevada. Two celebrities were there, former president George Bush (senior), and General Norman Schwarzkopf, commander of Desert Storm.

Held every year, the convention promotes the hunting of exotic game, animals you may never of heard of, because they’re so rare. I’m not necessarily against hunting, the dinner table of the frontier, pioneer American heritage and all that. Read the rest of this article »