October 2008

Editors Note – October 2008

October 10, 2008

Sometimes, in the course of putting together an issue, you find a theme presenting itself. Cell phones ended up playing a role in three of our stories. So—hold on, I’m getting a text message. Okay. Sorry. In this issue we have a variety of stories that include—just a second, that’s my cell. Sorry. Okay. Wait, [...]

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The Head Fool Speaks – What Writers Do You Like?

October 10, 2008

HELP! Better yet, help us help you or help you help us or something like that. Thanks to you, our readers, and the response you’ve given our advertisers, we’ve doubled in size since our first issue. Our circulation has tripled and we’re working our butts off. It’s time to do some repair work on this [...]

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So It Goes – Growing Up

October 10, 2008

My folks had me the old-fashioned way: on accident. It didn’t come as a total surprise because they were both taking a fertility drug called Budweiser. “Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause and subsequently complicate pregnancy.” Mom strollered me around as one might the Stanley Cup, announcing my age to strangers: “He’s 52 months, 3 [...]

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I SO Want to be Michael Phelps

October 10, 2008

I SO want to be Michael Phelps. Oh, not because he’s a demon swimmer, but because he gets to eat 12,000 calories a day! Has to! Every day! That’s close to what I eat in a week! Can you imagine the guilt-free, unrestrained pig-outs? The unlimited Kentucky Fried Chicken, the chocolate cake, the blueberry muffins, [...]

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Sammon Says – Phobias Weird and Wild

October 10, 2008

You’re a bunch of sickos. Talk about sick. Look at some of these phobias we have today. I’m not talking about common phobias like Claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces) or Acrophobia (fear of heights). Everybody’s afraid of those. I’m talking about really strange ones, like Arrhenphobia (fear of men). I dated a girl who had [...]

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You’re Just Jealous Because the Voices Speak to Me

October 10, 2008

“Tell me again, why are we taking a yoga class?” Joann asked as she tried to maneuver her body into what felt like the human equivalent of becoming a pretzel. “To keep us limber and youthful, blending our physical selves with our spiritual selves. And to make our sex lives with our husbands more exciting,” [...]

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Tonys Ticklers – The Drunk

October 10, 2008

A man walks through the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be [...]

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Jason the Fool – Mini Van

October 10, 2008

The cell phone rang in my front pocket as my family and I walked across the clean but car-littered floor. I thought about not answering it. I hate talking on the telephone in front of people who suddenly look like they want to hurt me. “What’s so important,” I wonder when I see someone else [...]

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Fool-o-Scope – October 2008

October 9, 2008

October birthdays: This haunting month is full of ghosts, scarecrows, haunted houses, and parties—birthday parties. But stop telling everyone you see dead people. Yes, it’s your birthday, but you’re not THAT old… ARIES (3/21-4/19): Columbus Day celebrates how Christopher Columbus discovered America so that he could inform the Native Americans where they lived. Like Chris, [...]

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The Expiration Date – Death by Meatball

October 9, 2008

Sometimes we are better off not knowing some things. Take high cholesterol, for instance. I was doing fine until a few years ago when I was told that mine was off the charts and that I would need to take drugs to get it down (translation: immediately age twenty years and inherit the energy level [...]

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Adventures With Rex – Seeing Eye to Eye

October 9, 2008

I found myself holding Rex up to my face—I held him up under his armpits to allow us to stare at each other intently. His nose was almost touching mine as we proceeded in “the game.” The first to blink lost. However, this time I was determined to win: I had eaten thirteen cloves of [...]

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Best of the Inbox – October 2008

October 9, 2008

Two-Line Romantic Poems The following are entries to a contest by “The Washington Post,” in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem…except that the last line had to be as unromantic as the first line was romantic. 1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, Marrying you screwed up my life. 2. I [...]

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The Way It Used to Be (Around Here)

October 9, 2008

As a youthful visitor from San Francisco to Pacific Grove during the summer months of the 1970s, I covered much of the Peninsula on my bicycle pulled by my dog, a rat-terrier pointer mix named Bosco. As an example of wilderness, I found many sights ready to explore for such an adventurous youth in his [...]

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Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice – Public Disturbance

October 9, 2008

Dear Will Fargo, I am a person who loves a good beat. When I hear a good beat, my foot just gets to tapping and I can’t seem to do anything about it. And then when one foot gets to tapping, my other foot starts feeling left out and so it starts tapping too. And [...]

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Cell Phone Phamily Plan

October 9, 2008

Lady Debby and I recently walked into a phone store because she needed a new cell phone. What was wrong with her current cell phone? It was old. Two years old, to be precise. In technological years, that’s the equivalent of a paleontologist unearthing a three-billion-year-old plereioiocdusaurus jawbone. The first thing I noticed when I [...]

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Losing It

October 9, 2008

My honey has some excellent qualities, but keeping up with his cell phone is not one of them. He has misplaced his phone so often that I have lost count of the number of times. The other day it happened again. We were in the car heading home after work when he reached for his [...]

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Fool Laughs – October 2008

October 9, 2008

The Question As a pre-med student, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” “To save lives,” the professor responded quickly, and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the [...]

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