Dear Will,
How come every time I go grocery shopping I get a cart with one bad wheel? It never fails. And then when I try and push the cart it always seems to want to go a different way than I do.
Like yesterday, when I wanted to go down the cookie aisle, it started heading toward the health food section.
My question is: is it normal that I always get a shopping cart with one bad wheel, or do you think God is trying to speak to me through my shopping cart?
Signed,
Curious Shopper…. in Monterey
Dear Curious Shopper… in Monterey
There is no question in my mind that someone or something is trying to speak to you through your shopping cart. But I don’t think it’s who you think it is because if it was, I guarantee he would have let you go down the cookie aisle, no problem.
In fact, after you were done there, if he were truly righteous and good, he would have promptly directed you straight to the ice cream section.
Only evil forces hell-bent on depriving you of your favorite things in life would send you to the health food section.
Nonetheless, Monterey, I am quite certain that this “one bad wheel” syndrome you are experiencing whenever you go grocery shopping can in no way be explained in ordinary terms.
You see, some things in life are just not subject to any common sense or scientifically verifiable explanations. Instead, they are explained only by the mutable and incorrigible laws of metaphysics.
So here is what these metaphysical laws tell my intuition about your wayward shopping cart:
Monterey, your shopping cart’s behavior is a symbolic manifestation of your own inner voice, or your “unconscious” mind trying to tell you something you just don’t seem to be getting otherwise.
You see, your “unconscious” mind is far more brilliant and profound than your regular mind could ever dream of being. Well, wait a minute…strike that.
Actually, your “unconscious” mind is so super smart, that if it were to try and talk to your regular mind in a normal way, like, “Hey, how are you today, guess what I did this morning?” … you would be lost after two seconds.
So it has to speak to you in a different way than you’re used to. It speaks to you in symbolic form in order to get its message through.
But this situation is a little confusing to me because I cannot see any reason why your unconscious mind would want to send whatever weird message it is with the cookies and health food and all that.
Why in the world would your greater self want to plunge your more simple self into the depths of hell with all those smelly vitamins and chalky candy bars in the health food section instead of lifting you up into the heavenly clouds of the soft and chewy in the cookie aisle? It makes no sense!
So what else could it be?
OK, I think I know what’s going on now. Yup, I’m sure of it.
This cryptic phenomenon of the cart with one bad wheel is a direct result of a great societal insanity that is being perpetuated by the WWWHFO.
The WWWHFO??
Yes, the WWWHFO.
Huh?
The World Wide Wacko Heath Food Organization, that’s what.
This Godzilla-like global conglomerate is the shameful mothership of the entire health food industry.
They’re the losers who have totally demonized chocolate chip cookies and your grandmother’s love!
They want you to think nothing is good for you unless it tastes horrible or unless it was scooped up off the ground somewhere in some sacred forest where spiritual Bambi has been pooping all day long.
Their sole mission in life is to brainwash you into believing that all that horse food in those bins in the health food store is somehow better for you than a delicious weenie wrapped in a blanket or a nice bag of tasty Funyons with Cheez Whiz chaser.
And so apparently now they are using some sneaky new high-tech remote control device on your shopping cart to get you over to the HELL food section to try and sell you rice bran syrup or who knows what other bogus cure-all natural crap.
But it’s garbage, Monterey! Your kidneys, liver, and your ticker are eventually all gonna go south anyway no matter what kind of narcissistic and stupid wishful thinking diet you’re on!
So take my advice, Monterey, don’t let them win!! You go down that cookie aisle a hundred times if you want! You take control of that shopping cart! Don’t let it control you! Don’t let them control you!
Put some muscle into it, damn it! What, are you afraid to cuss at it because you think people will laugh at you? Get over it, Monterey!!
You wanna be your own man or do you want to become some peaceful, skinny little Birkenstock-wearing, tea-drinking wussy?
Yeah, well, I don’t think you do! I think it’s high time you set the record straight and let the world know you will not be pushed around the grocery store by some stupid shopping cart!!
Now get the hell out there and show that damn thing who’s boss!!
Will… I WILL GO FAR!!!… Fargo
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Need good, solid, bogus advice or special answers to questionable questions? Will Fargo may be reached at <willfargo@foolishtimes.net>