Arnold places the worn dollar bill up to his lips, exchanges a short but intimate liplock with the founder of our country, and then tosses the dollar bill into the wind never to be seen or heard from again. Now many of us would say that Arnold is a total and complete spudhead? Nobody with the sense of tree sap would just throw money away. Read the rest of this article »

SEPTEMBER Birthdays:
Wonder what Labor Day, Fall Hat Month, and Better Breakfast Month have in common with your September birthday? Well, you probably won’t labor much as you celebrate in your party hat, and you’ll certainly need to eat a better breakfast than leftover birthday cake.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
During the Financial Panic in September of 1873, the New York Stock Exchange closed for the first time due to a banking snafu. What would you, an Arian, do in the unlikely event that history repeats itself? Why, open your own Stock Exchange, of course, complete with chicken stock, beef stock, or anything else that makes a good stew base. Read the rest of this article »

By now you have quite accurately deduced that the life of the average writer burgeons with prolific adulation juxtaposed against excoriating rejection. Oh, stop with the faces and put down the dictionary. There. Big words go bye-bye now. See? All gone!

I’m loitering here at Barnes & Noble to finish this column while avoiding the dreaded paparazzi, because spicy meat like that gives me heartburn. This article-my memoir on running with the bulls in Spain-is overdue. Hey, puncture wounds heal slowly. Read the rest of this article »