Google’s online-platform e-mail service is creatively titled Gmail; Google is full of brilliant folks, but they shuffle their dullards off to toil in the “naming department.” In any case, Gmail allows you to send pithy e-mails, receive forwards that inevitably involve a talking monkey at some point in the proceedings, and wonder how you landed on the e-mail lists of such extraordinarily helpful, though at the moment unnecessary, male health products. Read the rest of this article »

Two-By-Fours
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
The clerk said, “All right. How long do you need them?” The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.” Read the rest of this article »

One night in a local pub, a man stumbled up to the only other patron in a bar and asked if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” came the reply.

The first man then asked, “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replied the second man.

The first man responded, “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
How come every time I go grocery shopping I get a cart with one bad wheel? It never fails. And then when I try and push the cart it always seems to want to go a different way than I do.

Like yesterday, when I wanted to go down the cookie aisle, it started heading toward the health food section.

My question is: is it normal that I always get a shopping cart with one bad wheel, or do you think God is trying to speak to me through my shopping cart?

Signed,
Curious Shopper…. in Monterey
Read the rest of this article »

The powers that be could vote to change America’s car fleet fuel system at any time. In order to switch from dead dinosaur-goo-powered propulsion to water- or air-driven engines to save the planet from the Abominable Global-Warming Monster, all Congress has to do is wave its petroleum-soaked wand.

Abracadabra! We could change into a gluttonous sweet-toothed, sugar-cane-driven nation to fuel our cars. Read the rest of this article »

Years ago, I had a reading from a Vedic astrologer who told me that I might have a difficult time settling down (there’s that settling word again) because I needed to have a connection on all levels with a partner.

Ah, the perfect world. Who wouldn’t want someone who could match us intellectually, spiritually, and physically and could make us laugh and also be our confidante with whom we could shop and share our most vulnerable secrets while wearing our flannel pajamas? Read the rest of this article »

So, there I was, driving down interstate 80 on my way to the El Cerrito Farmer’s Market, when I realized I had forgotten to bring along my canvas shopping bag. Damn! I felt certain I was going to end up in Recyling Hell because now I’d have to use at least three plastic bags to pack up all the carrots and other veggies I planned to buy. I could stick them down my pants, I supposed, but that might attract some unwanted attention. No, I’d just have to return home with the poisonous bags and drive them over to the landfill myself, praying for forgiveness all the way. Read the rest of this article »

When the gardener wakes to the dawn
He thinks not of the night that is gone
But of weeding today
In the usual way
And the joy of mowing a lawn
-Sir Henry de Tunahuna
Read the rest of this article »

Is it just me, or do “special occasions” happen every week? Parent’s Day, Valentine’s Day, National Pet Week. Here’s one: Boss’s Day. Isn’t that Monday through Friday?

And the birthdays just keep comin’. My nephew starts the countdown two months in advance: “Fifty-four days till my birthday. Have you started savin’ up?” Read the rest of this article »

One of the basic tenets of today’s feel-good, nobody’s-at-fault child-rearing method is follow-through.

If a child isn’t supposed to watch television until he finishes his vegetables, don’t turn on the TV. If a child doesn’t do a chore, don’t give him money for ice cream. And if you threaten to throw a toy out of a moving car, throw the toy out of a moving car.

The problem is, none of the people who write touchy-feely books on parenting expect anyone to, 1) threaten, or 2) throw anything anywhere-ever. Read the rest of this article »

From behind, he looked twelve years old. When he turned around…. he looked all of thirteen.

Wearing black, including dress shoes in desperate need of a shine, he stood stiffly, with his hands in his pockets. Standing straight and looking important, he appeared to make his 4′ frame look maybe 4′2.” Read the rest of this article »

Worry
Is there a magic cut-off period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, “It’s their life,” and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter’s head.

I asked, “When do you stop worrying?” Read the rest of this article »

We went to a breeder and picked her out even before she was old enough to come home. She was cute, I must admit, really cute.

Before you ask, she is a Shih Tzu, a small frou-frou dog from a breed originating in China.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a puppy at my house. I’m not quite sure what to do with her-housebreaking, chewing, and all those horrible things that puppies do.
But she is really cute. Read the rest of this article »

Two men who habitually engage in the mind poop of using non sequiturs have a discussion. For those of you who seldom read, a non sequitur is a remark, a nonsensical aside, that has no relation to the preceding comments made during a discussion.

I think it’s just a case that fat people have a lower sense of self esteem. Of course, I wouldn’t know personally. Read the rest of this article »

Actual story from The Washington Post:
WARSAW, Poland, Feb. 11 (UPI)-Roman Catholic regions of Europe are seeing a resurgence of exorcism, the rite of expelling evil spirits from tortured souls.

Informal efforts to train more exorcists began under Pope John Paul II when the Vatican formally revised and upheld the rite for the first time in nearly 400 years, The Washington Post reported Monday. Read the rest of this article »