Happy Birthday to the Foolish Times, which turns five years old this month. Five years old-that explains all the misspellings, crude drawings, and general crankiness; the failure to understand long-term consequences; the stubbornness; the lack of self-control; and the continual need for a nap. To celebrate this milestone, we’ve put together a fantastic issue, utilizing “writers” and “cartoonists.” But don’t take my word for it-just turn the page. You’ll see a bunch of ads, which is also a funny little way we have of celebrating. Yes, words, cartoons, and ads-there’s probably no better way to celebrate turning five, unless it’s joining us for our celebration at the Golden State Theatre on August 23. Come help us blow out the candles on our cake, and admire how much we’ve grown.

I’ve been trying to write this note for several days. Every time I start to write (”We’re havin’ a party”), an old sixties song (”everybody’s swinging”) pops into my (”dancing to the music”) head (”on the radio”). By the time I dance and sing it a few times, I need a nap. That’s the main reason we’re only having one party. We’ll be doing a belated birthday party at Monterey Live soon. On the 23rd of August we will be showing two great comedies at The Golden State Theatre-one of my favorites, Abbott & Costello’s “Hold That Ghost,” and the comedy hit of the summer (to be determined). There’ll be free pizza and Coke for all attending. Free Foolish Times T-shirts for the first 50 paid customers. Bring the kids-it’ll be G-rated. Check out the cover of this issue for the details. See you there!Don’t Forget the Advertisers!

Last time I scrapped was the fourth grade, when Benji Leva spat on my sister at the bus stop. I pulled the bully’s raincoat over his head, kicked him in the backpack, and bolted to school as fast as I could.Would you believe I had no formal training?

That all changed when I met welterweight champ George Sylva, who taught me the ropes (and how to stay off of them). I had a few things working against me. One, I am skinny; two, I’m white; and three, my HMO is so weak that it covers only an apple a day. So it goes. Read the rest of this article »

Ok, I admit it-I caused the recession. You know how economists are always advising consumers to spend, spend, spend their way out of recessionary slumps? Well, that’s a problem for me because I don’t care that much for possessions. I drive a 1993 Nissan Altima with a patch of bondo on the passenger door, wear sweatpants I bought at Target in 1999, and top them off with t-shirts I purchased last year at Walgreens-five for $10.00.I can’t relate to the “Sex-in-the-City” addiction to Manolo stilettos, Vuitton purses, and Prada dresses, and, as you might imagine, I was underwhelmed by the recent movie. The pursuit of trendiness has always struck me as odd since you can never possibly be “in” for more than twenty minutes, even if you could snap up every hot, to-die-for item at Bloomingdales. Read the rest of this article »

You did this to me!Me! The king of the jungle.

The ultimate muscle-bound stud. Adonis! God’s gift to women.

I’m going extinct!

I hope you women out there with your equal rights are happy. You better enjoy me while you can. The Y chromosome, the fingerprint of maleness, is weakening, being stripped of the genes defending it.

When it goes, men will no longer exist. Read the rest of this article »

Rex was gone. I don’t mean he had zipped through his secret burrow over to Millie’s back yard, and I don’t mean he was hiding under the bed. My dog was gone.I had noticed him being missing after our fight over what to watch on TV. He had wanted to watch a rerun of “Lassie,” and I wanted to watch a PBS special, “The History of the Paperclip.” Even though his brain is the size of a walnut, he is pretty good at punching buttons on the remote and finding a show that interests him. Read the rest of this article »

So I have a few questions. Who does a shrink go to when they have a problem or an issue? Do they work it out themselves or do they go to another doc? And does everyone have an annoying little psychic, Tinkerbell-wannabe angel that sits on their shoulder or is it just me?I discovered the answer to these questions the hard way. As much as I hate to admit that this is one more of those stories from online dating hell, it is. But I always seem to have resilience and a short memory of all who have come before and I tend to see (or try) to see the good in folks. Read the rest of this article »

Okay, kids, let’s talk sin. As in the seven “deadly.” Can you name them with me? Pride, Greed, Envy, Grumpy, Gluttony, Sloth, and… the last one…?Dopey! Somehow I imagine these sins as short, and whistling. Nevertheless, they torment me, not with guilt, but with a nagging sense of failure. My weekly sin quota has plummeted, and when I do kick up a spree with the demons… gosh, this is painful to admit… well, my performance sucks. Read the rest of this article »

A relationship, no matter how caring, loving, or impossible to back out of, is war. Well, at least to guys. To women, relationships are all princesses, unicorns, and pushing dazed heroes off a cliff.Relationships aren’t war to women, because war means there’s some doubt of the outcome. There is no doubt with women-they win.

But war, as we know, is the only way guys think about anything. Football is war. Deciding what movie to see is war. Read the rest of this article »

I’m so tired I can’t hold my eyes open, but I can’t fall asleep. I might miss my final bid on eBay. It all started about a week ago when I decided that a turquoise-and-silver necklace would be a nice accessory to have.I put “buy turquoise necklace” in a search engine and eventually found myself on eBay. I was a bit familiar with eBay as I’ve bought a few things there before; but I always lose when I bid, and it seems to be too much trouble and easier just to buy things elsewhere. Read the rest of this article »

I have a theory as to why America has gotten so obese.

Even our children have become little porkers. I can’t remember more than one person in my elementary school class that was overweight thirty-some years ago. Of course, that one poor little fat kid that we nicknamed “Hunky Chunky Monkey” was excoriated ruthlessly by the rest of us thinner children in the name of comic relief. The only thing more interesting to talk about was Alana. She was the only other classmate aside from the chunky one who required a bra. She was popular BECAUSE her chest was fat, not despite it. Read the rest of this article »

I just watched a car commercial on television. One of the selling points of the car was a feature that notified you in the event of a car accident. What a great idea. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pulled into my driveway, gotten out of my car, and the guy next door said, “Howdy, neighbor, looks like you totaled your car on the way home from work. Is that your face imprint on the what’s left of the windshield? You may want to have a doctor reattach that missing appendage once you find it.” Read the rest of this article »

It was like learning I had bad breath.I had expected that registering my car in California would take about an hour. Wrong. It took about that much time to fill out the paperwork, write a check, take a number, and wait in line in the Division of Motor Vehicles.

I wasn’t in Vermont any longer, where the mountains are green and the cars are free to be you-and-polluting-me. Alas, I get ahead of myself and ahead of my 1999 Toyota Rav4’s collision with the “smog” test. Read the rest of this article »

My wife and I are attending a wedding today, and while the happy couple is probably stressing out about flowers, candles, music, and which foot goes first, we’re very busy eating cereal and drinking coffee. Our time has come and gone, and it is a beautiful feeling.There was a day when we spent our waking hours poring over guest lists, color selections, flower arrangements, table settings, reception locations, photography, music, linens, and varieties of pasta. Read the rest of this article »

The Drink
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, “What’cha gonna do about it?”The poor little guy starts crying.

“Come on, man. I was just giving you a hard time,” the biker says. “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.” Read the rest of this article »

Common Name: Editor
Scientific Name: Changus textus
Habitat: Libraries, bookstores, cramped offices or cubes, in front of computers everywhere

Editors have officially been listed under the Endangered Species Act (ESA), a decision that follows an intense legal battle in federal court by editorial activists and organizations including TYPO (the TYpographical Perfectionists Organization). Read the rest of this article »

August Birthdays:
People often tell you there is no match to your inner light. But there are lots of matches required for your birthday candle light. Which is why Smokey the Bear has temporarily banned birthday candles in the state of California.ARIES (3/21-4/19):
There is no challenge you can’t confront. Like building your own electric car on Petroleum Day-even though you live in a second-story apartment with no outdoor plugs. Did I also mention you’re impulsive?

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
Although we all desire emotional security, slow your quest for a happy partnership during this Romance Awareness Month by reminding yourself of Paul McCartney’s (or Madonna’s upcoming) divorce settlement or you’ll end up shacking up with the founder of National Failures Day. Read the rest of this article »