August 2008

Editors Note – August 08

August 9, 2008

Happy Birthday to the Foolish Times, which turns five years old this month. Five years old-that explains all the misspellings, crude drawings, and general crankiness; the failure to understand long-term consequences; the stubbornness; the lack of self-control; and the continual need for a nap. To celebrate this milestone, we’ve put together a fantastic issue, utilizing [...]

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The Head Fool Speaks – Party!

August 9, 2008

I’ve been trying to write this note for several days. Every time I start to write (“We’re havin’ a party”), an old sixties song (“everybody’s swinging”) pops into my (“dancing to the music”) head (“on the radio”). By the time I dance and sing it a few times, I need a nap. That’s the main [...]

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So It Goes – Boxing

August 9, 2008

Last time I scrapped was the fourth grade, when Benji Leva spat on my sister at the bus stop. I pulled the bully’s raincoat over his head, kicked him in the backpack, and bolted to school as fast as I could.Would you believe I had no formal training? That all changed when I met welterweight [...]

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Recession Rescission

August 9, 2008

Ok, I admit it-I caused the recession. You know how economists are always advising consumers to spend, spend, spend their way out of recessionary slumps? Well, that’s a problem for me because I don’t care that much for possessions. I drive a 1993 Nissan Altima with a patch of bondo on the passenger door, wear [...]

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Men Go Extinct

August 9, 2008

You did this to me!Me! The king of the jungle. The ultimate muscle-bound stud. Adonis! God’s gift to women. I’m going extinct! I hope you women out there with your equal rights are happy. You better enjoy me while you can. The Y chromosome, the fingerprint of maleness, is weakening, being stripped of the genes [...]

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Adventures With Rex – Run Away

August 9, 2008

Rex was gone. I don’t mean he had zipped through his secret burrow over to Millie’s back yard, and I don’t mean he was hiding under the bed. My dog was gone.I had noticed him being missing after our fight over what to watch on TV. He had wanted to watch a rerun of “Lassie,” [...]

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The Expiration Date – The Little Angel That Could

August 9, 2008

So I have a few questions. Who does a shrink go to when they have a problem or an issue? Do they work it out themselves or do they go to another doc? And does everyone have an annoying little psychic, Tinkerbell-wannabe angel that sits on their shoulder or is it just me?I discovered the [...]

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Sin While You Can

August 9, 2008

Okay, kids, let’s talk sin. As in the seven “deadly.” Can you name them with me? Pride, Greed, Envy, Grumpy, Gluttony, Sloth, and… the last one…?Dopey! Somehow I imagine these sins as short, and whistling. Nevertheless, they torment me, not with guilt, but with a nagging sense of failure. My weekly sin quota has plummeted, [...]

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Jason The Fool – Relationship Wars

August 9, 2008

A relationship, no matter how caring, loving, or impossible to back out of, is war. Well, at least to guys. To women, relationships are all princesses, unicorns, and pushing dazed heroes off a cliff.Relationships aren’t war to women, because war means there’s some doubt of the outcome. There is no doubt with women-they win. But [...]

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Hooked on eBay

August 9, 2008

I’m so tired I can’t hold my eyes open, but I can’t fall asleep. I might miss my final bid on eBay. It all started about a week ago when I decided that a turquoise-and-silver necklace would be a nice accessory to have.I put “buy turquoise necklace” in a search engine and eventually found myself [...]

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The Message of Fat

August 9, 2008

I have a theory as to why America has gotten so obese. Even our children have become little porkers. I can’t remember more than one person in my elementary school class that was overweight thirty-some years ago. Of course, that one poor little fat kid that we nicknamed “Hunky Chunky Monkey” was excoriated ruthlessly by [...]

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Me and My Hippocampus

August 9, 2008

I just watched a car commercial on television. One of the selling points of the car was a feature that notified you in the event of a car accident. What a great idea. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pulled into my driveway, gotten out of my car, and the guy next door [...]

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Confessions of a Gross Polluter

August 9, 2008

It was like learning I had bad breath.I had expected that registering my car in California would take about an hour. Wrong. It took about that much time to fill out the paperwork, write a check, take a number, and wait in line in the Division of Motor Vehicles. I wasn’t in Vermont any longer, [...]

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The Big Day After

August 9, 2008

My wife and I are attending a wedding today, and while the happy couple is probably stressing out about flowers, candles, music, and which foot goes first, we’re very busy eating cereal and drinking coffee. Our time has come and gone, and it is a beautiful feeling.There was a day when we spent our waking [...]

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Fool Laughs – August 08

August 9, 2008

The Drink A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, “What’cha gonna do about [...]

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Save Endangered Editors-Read the Foolish Times

August 9, 2008

Common Name: Editor Scientific Name: Changus textus Habitat: Libraries, bookstores, cramped offices or cubes, in front of computers everywhere Editors have officially been listed under the Endangered Species Act (ESA), a decision that follows an intense legal battle in federal court by editorial activists and organizations including TYPO (the TYpographical Perfectionists Organization).

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Fool-o-Scope – August 08

August 9, 2008

August Birthdays: People often tell you there is no match to your inner light. But there are lots of matches required for your birthday candle light. Which is why Smokey the Bear has temporarily banned birthday candles in the state of California.ARIES (3/21-4/19): There is no challenge you can’t confront. Like building your own electric [...]

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