The New Baby
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the sight of the ugliest baby he had ever seen.
He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, “Not this time!”
New Sunburn Treatment
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and considering the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, asked, “What good will Viagra do for him, doctor?”
The doctor replied, “It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”
Toward the end of Sunday service, the minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
“Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any,” she replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” she replied.
“Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”
The little old lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, “I’ve outlived ‘em all!”
A Tennessee state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “‘Bout whut?”
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. Everyone seemed okay with him, so I let him nap.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch, and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, one day I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. I don’t mind, but want to be sure it’s okay with you.”
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with ten children-he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?”
A man asked an older Native American man what his wife’s name was. The man replied, “Three Horse.”
The first man said, “That’s an unusual name. What’s it mean?”
The second man said, “It’s an old Indian name, meaning ‘Nag, nag, nag.’”
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures-the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers, and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. “Isn’t that just like an engineer?” he says. “We’re looking for the height and he gives us the length.”