Dear Will,
The other day, I tried googling myself but my browser couldn’t come up with crap. It seems like everyone I know is googlable except me. And so they’re all cool and I’m a nobody.I don’t know if I can take one more day of being a non-googlable putz. I think I may just give up on life unless I can be googled real soon.
Will, I want you to know that I’m at a crucial point in life right now, and I’m handing it over to you to make me or break me. Why? Because you are a super genius, that’s why! If anyone can help me, it’s you!
If I don’t become googlable sometime this summer, I’m sure I’ll end up spending the rest of my pitiful life suckin’ on a bottle of tequila in the gutter. But if I do become googlable, who knows? I could end up conquering the world!!
Please, do your magic on me, Will!! I’m not taking another step until I hear from you!
Signed,
Fork in the Road… in Sand City
Dear Fork in the Road… in Sand City,
Sand City, you have to gain a proper perspective here!
Don’t you understand that just the mere fact that someone has attempted to google you is all that really matters? That right there makes you very interesting and should be all it takes to make your dreams of world domination come true.
Never mind that no one else is doing the googling except you. Don’t think about that just yet. I don’t think you’re ready.
What you need, Sand City, is to reach higher google consciousness, not higher google status. You need to learn google meditation and google breathing, and leave the google boogie to all the eternal sock hop google posers who are stuck in lower google consciousness.
An eternal sock hop google poser is someone whose inner user name never really graduates from junior high even though their outer user name may go all the way through graduate school. And the google boogie is the purest form of lower google consciousness and poser thinking.
It’s sort of a paradox though, Sand City, because it’s also true that a firmly entrenched sock hop google poser whose sense of self could be described as being under permanent house arrest, and whose driving force in life is proving something to everyone else that they will never really grasp themselves, does in fact stand a far greater chance at achieving world domination than you.
But in spite of this fact, it still remains true that if you completely and utterly let go of all your misguided google dragon desires to become super googlable, and fully graduate from sock hop google poser thinking, you will then become googlable by enlightened default.
This little-known default setting is built into all homo sapien biogoogle computers regardless of year, make, or model.
But first, there is one important thing you must do. It’s absolutely essential in order for you to realize your dreams, even though these dreams may be questionable or stupid.
Sand City, you need to obliterate, once and for all, the nagging feeling that says you’re nothing but a google dorkwad who for some bogus reason needs someone else’s bogus advice in order to be somebody!
How do I do that, Will?
I’ll tell you how, Sand City. By letting go of the bogus guilt trip that was laid on you when you were nothing but a kooky little kid, that’s how!
What guilt trip, Will?
The one that’s got you believing that your own instincts are not to be trusted because there’s something wrong with them and that no matter what, someone else will always have a better answer than you!
I know this sounds unrealistic and maybe even impossible given the profound influence the Public Eye Industry has on most people’s sense of who they are.
What?
The Public Eye Industry is sort of a contemporary Cyclops who picks up the ball and runs with it after your original guardian demons fumble, which is usually early on during adolescence.
But you have to understand that the Public Eye Industry, a.k.a. the Global Network Media Industrial Complex, has a mind all of its own and that this mind has an incredible personality disorder.
Its sole mission in life is to create an endless stream of super-sophisticated tension-and-release manipulation protocols that keep your mind in a straightjacket so you’ll keep buying all the garbage they tell you you’ll need to break out of it.
But the truth is that none of the trash they sell you will ever break you out of it because they change the rules whenever you’re almost there and then they start in on you all over again. It’s called the Super Stupor Syndrome, Sand City, and it’s how they control your life from start to finish!!
Your only hope to snap out of it is to rip your television umbilical cord out of the wall, carry your TV outside and set it down in the middle of the driveway, and then violently smash it to bits with the biggest sledge hammer you can find, and then shovel it all into the city dumpster and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.
You see, you have to start thinking for yourself for a change, Sand City! It’s the only way you’ll ever wake completely up to the fact that the advice givers are the ones who are not to be trusted and that it’s you who knows it all, not them.
And once you do that, Sand City, I guarantee that you will finally be liberated from your own worst enemy, which of course is you.
And from then on I guarantee you will be able to realize, once and for all, all your biggest google dreams and aspirations, which apparently include, but let’s hope are not limited to… enslaving the entire world and all its people.
Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo
