July 2008

Editors Note – July 08

July 4, 2008

This month’s note will be short and sweet, as opposed to last month’s long-and-sour effort. Highlights of our July issue include Giosue Santarelli’s cover story about obscenely high gas prices; L. Dustin Twede’s hilarious recounting of his experiences with an “overachieving” stomach; and Jennifer E. Hewitt’s short story “Heart of Home Depot,” a marvelous parody [...]

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The Head Fool Speaks – Foolish Birthday Party

July 4, 2008

The “Refrigerator Man” is gone but not forgotten! I can’t help but smile when I think of the hours and hours of belly laughs George Carlin brought to my life. Thanks, George! Had a little detour myself last week, so we’re a little behind on the party planning for the Foolish Times 5-year birthday. Here’s [...]

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So It Goes – Artsy Mom

July 4, 2008

My mom has always been creative. A long time ago-back when “Saturday Night Live” was funny-she’d decorate cakes to look like soccer fields, pyramids, women endowed with Hostess Sno-Balls.You lost your innocence early in my home. Mom works for the bank-THE bank-so her creative urges surface through cracks in the sidewalk. She mostly takes it [...]

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Sammon Says – Captain Muppie

July 4, 2008

Where have all the kid’s TV shows gone? Captain Kangaroo, Howdy Doody, Mister Rogers, Soupy Sales, Sheriff John?Okay. There’s Barney, some guy in a lizard suit. But that’s PBS. Why don’t kids have kiddie shows anymore? Look at what they’re missing. When we were kids, we grew up with these crazy people. I volunteer to [...]

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Gas Appreciation

July 4, 2008

Don’t be misled by the title of this column. It’s a touchy, odiferous subject, but harnessing the power of gas could save the world! It is somehow always credited to Dad, his nightly bottle of beer and his three-bean casserole.However, there is something to be said for the ancient dinosaurs who gave their lives to [...]

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Jason the Fool – At the Store

July 4, 2008

I called my wife before I left work. I’m not sure why I did this. Maybe it was out of courtesy. Maybe it’s a habit my mom beat into my head when I was a kid. Or maybe I’m just not that bright.I think it’s the last one. “I’m going to the store on my [...]

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Adventures With Rex – Pity Party

July 4, 2008

I found the Foolish Times deadline for the “Adventures with Rex” story fast approaching, and nothing came to mind to write about. In fact, nothing had happened in the last month.” Rex, what are we going to write about? Nothing is new.” Rex, who had been sleeping on his back on the sofa, cracked an [...]

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The Expiration Date – The Donna Reed Gene

July 4, 2008

I was a gregarious child. I used to dance with my belly before I could walk and when I could finally maneuver on two legs, I would grab any unsuspecting human close to my size, shake them, and make them dance with me.My first best friend was my neighbor, Michael Casey. We were together constantly. [...]

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Dealing with an Overachieving Stomach

July 4, 2008

Recently, I decided to go on a diet.Over the years, I have relied heavily upon my stomach for making the food consumption decisions for the rest of my body. This seemed like affective body management delegation, since no other part of my body sends signals to the home office complaining of hunger. It’s becoming painfully [...]

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The Greatest Sacrifice

July 4, 2008

A week before, I had moved to Hollywood from freezing Michigan. The bikini-clad shoppers and Elvis impersonators on Hollywood Boulevard were a welcome sight at the end of my three-day drive south. I moved into an apartment three blocks from the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Boulevard and I was chomping at the bit to get [...]

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Fool Laughs – July 08

July 4, 2008

The New Baby A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at [...]

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Yellow Jackets, Tight Pants

July 4, 2008

Uh-oh. A black-and-yellow fuzzball the size of a winged guinea pig is straddling my sandwich. Whew! It’s a bumble bee, not a wasp. In the bug world, bees are the football linemen, intimidating yet mild-mannered, usually history majors. But the wasp families, including hornets and yellowjackets, resemble skinny basketball players with an attitude. And they [...]

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Twenty-Five Feet and a Prayer

July 4, 2008

Jeff Gordon… you’ve got nothing on me. Tony Stewart… try walking in my shoes. Dale Earnhardt Jr… don’t even think about it.These boys every Sunday play around in supercharged flying machines designed to go faster than politicians running to a photo opportunity. They swerve in and out of traffic, dodging each other, bouncing around at [...]

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Heart of Home Depot

July 2, 2008

Marla stood leaning against the grill of her boat-like SUV. She had sunken cheeks, a yellow complexion, a straight back, a dazed expression in her eyes, and, with her arms dropped, palms outwards, resembled a martyr exhibiting her stigmata. The other women and I were exchanging words lazily as we prepared to enter the monolithic [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – July 08

July 2, 2008

July birthdays: You share your birthday month with Canada, the United States, governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Henry David Thoreau. But when asked to reveal your age, you’re as secretive as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV and his Scientology buddies. ARIES (3/21-4/19): To win the Tour de France is an incredible feat, especially with the [...]

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Best of The Inbox – July 08

July 2, 2008

And They Ask Why I Like Retirement! Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday. Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all [...]

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Limericks – July 08

July 2, 2008

A young man thought himself quite amusing But his opinion was of his own choosing. He was really a prude Who never talked lewd, And eventually took to the boozing. -Birdman

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