June 2008

Editors Note – June 08

June 7, 2008

Here’s your lineup for June: Jason Love gets a cat; Rosie Sorenson discusses “Smart” marriages; John Sammon writes about Auto Esoteric Erotic Stimulation; Rex goes to Tassajara; Robyn takes a stress test; Mary Tompsett writes about plastic surgery procedures; Sarah Flake has a crush on Barbie; Jason Offutt and Giosue’ Santarelli both talk vacations; and [...]

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The Head Fool Speaks – Celebration!

June 7, 2008

We’re having a gigantic celebration! Yup, in honor of our fifth birthday this August, Foolish Times is having a birthday bash! Look for details in next month’s issue. Here’s a list of events we’re working on:* Classic comedy films at the Golden State Theatre * Live burlesque * Comedy Challenge at Monterey Live * Brazilian [...]

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Tony’s Ticklers – Father and Half Sisters

June 7, 2008

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.” After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. “Son, I have to talk with you. [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – June 08

June 7, 2008

June birthdays: June 19th is Garfield’s birthday, which is really going to overshadow any birthday party plans you have this month.ARIES (3/21-4/19): What do the NBA Playoffs and you have in common? This month, you’ll both take long shots, hoping to score. And how do you differ? You don’t have as many convictions and you [...]

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Limericks – June 08

June 7, 2008

There once was a pitcher named Zito The giants thought he was neato They paid out big bucks For an arm that just sucks And now their season’s finito

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Fool Laughs – June 08

June 7, 2008

Little Old Lady A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. When he stopped, she stopped.Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and said to him, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so [...]

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Best of The Inbox – June 08

June 7, 2008

Nutritional Guide For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer [...]

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So It Goes – My Cat Sam

June 7, 2008

Got a cat recently.When you announce that you’re having a baby, everyone applauds and cheers. Tell ‘em you got a cat and they’re like, “Oh, I’m sorry. I-I didn’t realize it was that bad.” So it goes. When I got the cat, the owner said that he, the animal, talks a lot; and I thought, [...]

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Smart Marriage

June 7, 2008

According to the relationship experts who sent me an announcement about an upcoming seminar, it’s no longer enough to have a regular old, vanilla-style marriage. We now have to have “Smart Marriages.” From the pages of this same brochure scream the titles for break-out sessions on “Hot Monogamy” and “Ultimate Relationships.” I feel as if [...]

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Sammon Says – Auto Erotic

June 6, 2008

I have been an extra sensory person for several years now, and I believe firmly that a regularly applied program of pressure point or suggestive or downright mental or physical psychosexual stimulation can add years to your youth, darken your gray hair, and erase wrinkle lines.What, then, is “Auto Esoteric Erotic Stimulation?” The happiness of [...]

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Adventures With Rex – Zen Dog

June 6, 2008

I had recently read a book on meditation, and felt I was making great headway in becoming enlightened. My only problem was Rex. He frequently disturbed my bliss. I needed to get him enlightened, too, so he wouldn’t bug the bajeesus out of me.”Rex, I’m going to teach you how to meditate. Just watch me. [...]

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The Expiration Date – How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

June 6, 2008

Matters of the heart can sometimes be literal. So when I tell my doc that I am tired all of the time and that my heart is “hurting,” she suggests an anti-depressant. “I’m not depressed,” I say, with a note of defiance in my voice. “My chest feels tight, I’m out of breath when I [...]

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From Parietal to Plumper

June 6, 2008

Woo-hooo! My sweaty fist holds a $600 tax rebate, thanks to (a) Uncle Sam; (b) countries who passed the basket to lend us the moolah; and (c) the kids who’ll inherit the debt.How lucky that I don’t need my rebate for the mortgage or groceries, and can GO SHOPPING! I could “green” the house for [...]

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Crushing on Barbie

June 6, 2008

I’ve always sworn I would never have a Barbie in my home. The idea of their fierce anatomy infiltrating my PG toy box made me cringe. What would I be teaching my daughter if I gave her these dishy dames to play dress-up with? A friend gave us the book “Barbie Rapunzel” a few months [...]

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Jason the Fool – Vacation

June 6, 2008

Vacation. A word so sweet your triglycerides rose to the level of Jabba the Hutt’s just by reading it. So, please, go to the emergency room-now.Yeah, vacation is sweet, and I had five days of it. Five no-shavin’, no-workin’, no-thinkin’ days of lethargy and naps. I sat on the couch that Monday morning, a cup [...]

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Phi Beta Balding

June 6, 2008

This morning I was driving along the freeway listening to the radio when a commercial about hair transplants took control of the radio airwaves. The commercial was basically equating a man losing his hair to a man losing his ability to do…man things.A few months ago I wouldn’t have been offended by this bold-faced attack [...]

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Bubba’s Big Adventure

June 6, 2008

A short story by Martin DoddExcept for one other couple, Bubba and Birdie were the only customers in Hungry Harv’s Hash House. Bubba thought Birdie was cute enough; the nose ring made her sort of exotic, and she’d been around: Georgian by birth, Floridian by choice. But Bubba Turnipseed was bored. Three weeks with Birdie [...]

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