Dear Will,
I have a problem with my cat. It seems she is sleeping about 23 hours a day. Do you think she might have chronic fatigue syndrome or a sleep disorder or something?
Should I enroll her in a sleep disorder study? Will they pay me for that?
Or do you think she is just bored with our relationship after 12 years? I can’t afford the vet prices around here and would value your input, Will Fargo. You seem to know so much about everything.
Signed,
Worried Cat Owner… in Monterey
Dear Worried Cat Owner in Monterey,
First of all, I’m wondering how you know your cat sleeps that much? If you sleep a normal 6 to 8 hours a night, then how do you know your cat isn’t wide awake during those hours?
I’d say that your cat is probably working the swing shift but hasn’t told you about it. Or maybe she’s just going out every night kickin’ it old school with some slimeball stray dogs or something.
But why all the secrecy? Why is she making you think there’s something wrong with her? Only one thing I can think of, Monterey… guilt. She feels too ashamed to tell you the truth, whatever it is.
OK, I think I see what’s going on. Why, that sneaky little floozy! Now it all makes perfect sense. Monterey, your cat is a practitioner of the world’s oldest profession!
And while you’re out like a light every night thinking she’s safe at home, she’s walking the streets just trying to make ends meet by making ends meet, if you know what I mean.
Well, you have only yourself to blame, Monterey. I would say somewhere along the way you’ve probably started her on this path by trying to pound a bunch of freaky family values into her or something.
But that only gives rise to rebellion in the opposite direction, Monterey. That’s a law of nature you have no control over. You should have learned that from your cat by now.
Plus, it’s not like she sees you as her sugar daddy or anything. Obviously you don’t even have health insurance for her. It’s no wonder she’s out turning tricks every night while you’re snoring away a billion miles out on some undiscovered planet somewhere.
What, too many pre-existing conditions to get a decent rate?
Wake up and smell the burning dinero, Monterey! You need to start a paper trail of lies about those pre-existing conditions ASAP! If you don’t, the truth will always be hot on your tail and you’ll never qualify for insurance you can afford!
Truth is your worst enemy, Monterey! It’s nothing but a seductive siren singing a hypnotic song that only leads to a deadly trap of false happiness!! It’s all a big set-up that started in the sixties with all that touchy-feely crap!
And now just look what all that unconditional love has done to your poor cat! Now she’s nothing but a street hooker, trapped in the underworld of cheap thrills and, god forbid… working for a living!
Don’t you think she’d be far better off sharing a plastic bag of formaldehyde with some stupid frog somewhere so they can at least make a contribution to society by helping secure the future of the local BMW dealership?
No? Well then, I would suggest an intervention by family and friends to try and stop her from destroying all that you’ve both worked so hard for all these years.
I’m talking about the bond of love between pet and owner, Monterey! And don’t you be ashamed to say it! You love that little hussy even though she’s nothin’ but cheap trailer trash!
I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now, Monterey, but I’m going to tell you anyway! It’s for your own good!
Let her go! Let her go and find her own way! She may fall down and get kicked around or run over by a car or something, but she’ll get back up again! It’s no big deal!
You see, she doesn’t need you anymore, Monterey! You might as well be the milkman making your rounds at 4:30 on a Monday morning smoking Lucky Strikes and praying for a new muffler to fall from the sky while you hit off a flask of brandy just to get the day started.
You gotta learn to take a hint, Monterey! Don’t try and hold on to what you never really even had in the first place. If you don’t, it’s gonna eat you alive!
Now make your peace with her and move on!!
Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo
