One thing we used to do quite a bit of, but have gotten away from in recent months, is publish humorous fiction. With this issue we pick up where we left off, with Jennifer E. Hewitt’s “The Curse of the Two-Ton Lasagna.” I’d like to invite other writers of witty fiction out there to think of us when you send that story out. We’ll consider simultaneous submissions—I understand how you could go to your grave waiting for some journals to respond. (Not us—we promise to respond in your lifetime.) However, you must notify us immediately if your story is accepted elsewhere. By immediately I mean “immediately.” As in, “I got accepted at “The New Yorker”! I must call Foolish Times!” We’d like to feature at least one fictional story per month, but are open to more as we continue to grow. So send it in!

All’s right with the world! The world of Foolish Times, that is. All the BS going on in the world today has created a perfect storm for Foolish Times. People are flocking to our publication so fast we have to increase the number of copies distributed (next month) to avoid some of the hostility caused when there are none to be found. Distribution points are calling for more copies to be delivered to calm the angry patrons not finding their beloved respite from the real (fill in the blank) world.

We have a slew of new advertisers (although I still can’t pay the rent), thanks to the response you’ve given to the ones who have been with us for a long time. Give ’em a call and welcome them aboard! John Sammon of “Sammon Says” fame (monthly columnist in FT) has joined our staff as Sales Director. He will be glad to explain the benefits of our low-cost advertising. Call him at 648-1038 or email john @foolishtimes.net.

The Unknown Cartoonist is back. And I’m not asking, just glad to have you back!

Basil the Beefeater at the Crown & Anchor was given a reprieve for now, so stop by and say hello.

Enjoy!

I’m a sales manager in my alter-ego life and, like Pavlov’s dog, have been trained to respond to business cards. I was having breakfast with one of my employees a few weeks ago when I looked up and noticed a very handsome (and vaguely familiar) man sitting by himself nearby. He was smiling and nudging a business card to the end of his table, so I took the bait, wagged my tail, and approached. Read the rest of this article »

One of the extra perks we receive as parents of school-aged children is school music concerts. This special bonus is similar to your dentist telling you, “On top of your regular cleaning today, we’re going to throw in a free root canal.” Only with a dentist at least you get to suffer in a reclining position. For school music concerts you get to sit on bleachers, where halfway through the concert your butt cheeks fall asleep, which irritates the rest of your body, which is forced to stay awake. Read the rest of this article »

I had been rummaging through the hall closet looking for my high-school senior year book, deciding if I should attend the reunion. The last one I went to, I found out my old flame had married Stinky Jimenez. In a way I wanted to go to see if they were still together; if they had split up, I might make a run at her, but then, any woman who would marry Stinky Jimenez would be the epitome of damaged goods. My old checkerboard set fell from a shelf and Rex buzzed in like a scud missile to investigate. Read the rest of this article »

How is one person’s junk another’s treasure? You could say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but backing up one cliché’ with another is likely to have the word police hunt down a writer and slap him silly with a thesaurus. So let’s just say that people have differing views as to what falls into the realm of valuable.

Have you ever driven through the neighborhood on trash day? Very often some piece of discarded furniture will catch your eye. Read the rest of this article »

Everyone stared as I pushed my shopping cart through the store … ker-thump, ker-thump, ker-thump. You know, foreign automakers should start building shopping carts if only to force the American cart industry into upgrading that one bad wheel.

But it wasn’t the thumpy wheel or that I was trying not to be seen that made people stare like they recognized me from some Internet police database. People were watching because, despite all the beef jerky, beer, and drill bits bouncing around the basket, they knew I was really at the store to buy feminine napkins. Read the rest of this article »

Congress is currently discussing whether they should pass the Passenger’s Bill of Rights to regulate the behavior of airlines in regards to their passengers. Until the day that it passes, which could be decades from now given the efficiency of Congressional conversations, we will have to deal with the current unwritten, or at least until now, Passenger’s Bill of Rights.

1. You have the right to a snack that would satisfy a gerbil, but only a moderately sized gerbil—not a large gerbil. For those who complain of the mediocre rations and request an extra morsel, you are entitled to one icy stare that will function as a “no.” Read the rest of this article »

Next to eating apple pie at Mom’s on a Sunday afternoon following church, there’s nothing more American than washing the Ford in the homestead driveway.

It’s a ritual that has few equals, save the occasional fish fry at the Catholic church or the summer 4H fair parade…but next to that, any red-blooded American agrees the smiles derived from making the wheels shine is something to behold. Read the rest of this article »

Schizophrenia is much more than just being a screwed-up psychopathic basket nutcase. There are positive aspects too. What are the pros and cons?

First of all, if you’re schizophrenic, you have paranoid delusions of “persecution.” In other words, you think everybody is out to get you. Let me reassure you if you think this. I can tell you, there really are people out to get you. Your boss probably. And maybe your wife. When you earn money, your wife takes it and spends it, right? Read the rest of this article »

Last night my beagle beamed me a practiced Disney-cute look. But I’d fed her already. Or maybe not. Yes…no. Was I cuckoo bananas? The dilemma resolved with a whiff of her bunny-flavored kibble breath.

Some Boomers blame memory lapses on aging. Ha, ha, and I suppose they believe aging causes wrinkles too!?! True, we have empirical evidence that aging indeed causes birthdays, though for years I attributed my cognitive lapses to hormones, stress, and that Mercury retrograde thingy. But the real culprit? Crappy feng shui! Read the rest of this article »

“So, he calls me the other day, not to say hello to the kids or tell me when the child support payment would be coming, but to ask me to make him lasagna!” exclaimed Lydia, while wringing the life out of the sponge into the sink. “The nerve of him. As if I’m going to drop everything that I’m doing to make that S.O.B. my lasagna. I told him to have his bimbo make it. And do you know what he said?” Read the rest of this article »

It’s getting so you can’t eat or buy toys or fly these days without making sure beforehand that you’ve updated your Living Trust. You never know when Mr. Free Market will strike you dead.

Just the other day, I pulled up to the drive-in window at McDonald’s and instead of being asked, “Do you want fries with that?” I thought I heard the woman say, “Do you want salmonella with that?”

I said, “Nope—had that last week. Just give me the e-coli, please.” Read the rest of this article »

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

His dad says, “Well, son, let me try to explain it this way.

“You see, I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Read the rest of this article »

I just got my copy of the “2008 Writer’s Market” reference manual. I’m trying to find markets to submit essays for publication and thought I could find some good leads in it. The section on magazines was particularly encouraging. There is a market for everything. Along with the magazine contact information, they offer Editor tips to be published. Here are a few I loved:

“Coonhound Bloodlines”: From the editorial staff, “Writers must retain the ‘slang’ particular to dog people and to our readers—many of whom are from the South.” Reading between the lines here, be careful not to use multi-syllabic words. They just wouldn’t understand. Read the rest of this article »

May Birthdays
On your birthday, savor your cake slowly. But lest you forget this foolish advice, swallowing several small semi-melted candles will turn your birthDAY into a week-long celebration also known as Emergency Medical Services Week.

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Don’t waste time this month reading Covey’s “Seven Habits.” Instead, examine the origins of Space Day. Space Day was not created, as some might foolishly believe, by NASA or an astronaut. It was created by the Lockheed Martin Corporation to train kids in math and science SO they could one day become loyal Lockheed Martin corporate citizens. After all, if children are our future, don’t you too deserve to profit? Read the rest of this article »

The Bottle and the Bomb
Once upon a… plane there were three people flying to New York. They had been flying for so long and were beginning their descent.

“Excuse me, I have a bottle, what should I do with it?” asked one of them to the flight attendant.

“Oh, just throw it out the window,” said the flight attendant.

“Okay,” said the person, throwing the bottle out the window. Read the rest of this article »