Dear Will,
Now that spring is here, I thought I’d be happy. But I’m not. In fact, spring is having an opposite effect on me. The singing, chirping, and warbling birds are grating on my nerves, Will! And I find the fresh and clean flower-scented air utterly revolting!
My question is: do you think there might be something wrong with me?
Signed,
Broken Spring…. in Carmel Valley
Dear Broken Spring….in Carmel Valley,
No, there’s nothing wrong with you, Carmel Valley. Your feelings are completely normal in an abnormal world. I too feel revulsion at such nauseating pleasantness during tragic times. Feeling good these days is wrong, Carmel Valley. Wrong, wrong, wrong!!
In fact, Congress should pass a law that makes feeling good illegal as far as I’m concerned! I demand an emergency moratorium on all good feelings! It’s wrong, I tell you!!
And besides, all that “beauty” we think we see in “nature”!?… Oh, don’t get me started, Carmel Valley! It’s all an elaborate façade that’s been pulling the wool over our eyes for too long!!
Mother Nature is an evil trickster and a charlatan, Carmel Valley! And we’re letting her get away with it! I for one am mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!!
I’m calling on the government to demand all birds need migration passports! And all flowers need a permit to emit their specious odors into the fragile environment!!
Don’t people realize that at the same time they’re sitting on the front porch getting all delirious with the sweet-smelling breeze, some disgusting tick-infested rat is gnawing away at the wires on their old car out back?
Or that when they hear all that delusive tweeting coming from the trees, at that same moment there’s a hundred cockroaches huddled away in their kitchen somewhere plotting their next invasion?
Mother Nature needs to be on strong medication, Carmel Valley! She is unstable, unpredictable, and she is clearly presenting a danger to herself and/or others!!
Actually, you should be happy you’re not happy, Carmel Valley. Happiness is what’s killing us! It’s making everyone stupid! It’s the sunshine plague and it’s a deadly pandemic!! Just look at what’s happening to the planet because of it!! It’s spinnin’ outta control, Carmel Valley!!
And the little birdies are chirping and the dandelions are all yellow and they look like little Van Gogh suns and the grass is all dewy and green and it’s making me sick!! Really, really sick!! OK, here I go, Carmel Valley, I’m gonna hurl!!………. Bluuuuueaaaaahhh!!!
You know who we are? We’re the stupefied static masses that Einstein warned about. A worse evil than all the tyrants in the world combined! It’s all going right down the tubes and we’re just watching, like it was some surreal dream up on the silver screen.
It’s because we’ve been lulled into a helpless trance by Mother Nature, Carmel Valley. It’s a Spring Fever delirium that’s turned us all into glassy-eyed little Rainbow Festival lemmings skipping down the yellow brick road through a field of dream poppies.
But that lovely little scene won’t last, Carmel Valley. It never does. Soon Mother Nature’s gonna send in the flying monkeys and we’ll all be on a Ding Dong March straight into nightmare Hell!!
Don’t let the senses she gave you fool you, Carmel Valley! They’re just a slick magic trick she invented to keep your mind in a straightjacket! She’s evil, I tell you! A twisted combination of Harry Houdini and the Wicked Witch of the West!
And whatever you do, Carmel Valley, don’t let that other sick parlor trick of hers fool you either. I’m talking about the human brain, Carmel Valley. She had no clue what she was doing when she invented that piece of crap! It’s screwing up the whole world!!
OK, that’s it; my ulcer is starting to sing to me again. And it’s no lullaby, Carmel Valley!!
So I hope this sets your mind at ease. There’s nothing at all wrong with you, Carmel Valley. Spring is a bogus season! And in an abnormal world, you’re perfectly normal.
Just like me.
Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo