We have a special issue lined up for you this month—we like to refer to it as our “April” issue. Jason Love and Rosie Sorenson both expound on modern technology; Mary Tompsett names names; Jason Offutt offers his thoughts on clogged toilets; Giosue’ Santarelli talks taxes; Robyn Justo checks out Italianpeoplemeet.com (come on, you know you’ve been curious about it); and we’re officially starting the rumor that Bigfoot has been sighted in Big Sur (they call him “Big Sir” down there). We have a poem on seagulls! We have Kafka and Costello! We would have had even more, but it’s tax time and Uncle Sam said we owed fourteen blonde jokes and six rants. One of the rants was about taxes. I feel an audit coming on.

This is a sad day for Foolish Times. None of the usual methods of communication have produced a cartoon for this month’s issue from THE UNKNOWN CARTOONIST! I’ve checked and rechecked every nook and cranny, thinking I must have put it somewhere for safekeeping (you know, the kind of place that gives up its treasure only after it’s too late). No luck. We’ve heard some rumblings of foul play. When Tony and Sara at the Crown & Anchor heard of UC’s plight they immediately called and offered a reward (fifty dollar gift certificate) for the whereabouts of UC. This is most gracious of them, seeing as how they’re in the midst of their own situation with Basil the Beefeater, who guards the entrance to the Crown & Anchor.  We will be flying our flag at half mast here at the FT offices and wearing green armbands till we have closure on the fate of THE UNKNOWN CARTOONIST!

Enjoy!
P.S. Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

It was a typical day—chop wood, carry water—when I got a pop-up from Symantec: “Your Norton virus definitions are about to expire. Renew now?”

I thought virus definitions went on forever like the giant tortoise or Dick Clark. Evidently, they have to be renewed any time Norton demands “payment.”

The Internet was such a good idea on paper. Now we tiptoe through the day afraid of spyware and macros and worms—oh, my. It’s enough to make you become a plumber.

What do hackers get out of the virus anyway? They’re not even around to enjoy their evil. It’s like ordering a pizza to someone else’s house:
“I’ll bet they’re opening the door right now … I’ll just bet …” Read the rest of this article »

It was love at first type the minute I laid hands on my IBM Correcting Selectric II typewriter—Big Blue.

I acquired my clackety-clack friend for $200 after I burned out an identical one typing my 80,000-word first, last, and only novel. Some of the scenes were too steamy even for that sturdy guy.

My Blue Boy may be old, but he can still kick some derrière. When’s the last time you fired up a thirty-three-year-old computer? Read the rest of this article »

(A client gets a call from Bob Later.)

My name is Later, Bob. Just make it Later.

Okay, Bob.

I said to call me Later.

Okay, Bob.

Call me Later.

Okay. Bob.

I said to call me Later. Read the rest of this article »

All across the city, as in every other place in the country, self-respecting adults like me (who are about to lose that inflated view of their image) are locking themselves in rooms with instructions to the youngsters on the “outside.” “No matter what you hear in there, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!”

Shame on you! Get your mind out of the gutter. This column is about horror, not anything sensual or fun! It’s like the classic scene from Mel Brook’s “Young Frankenstein,” where the good doctor locks himself in the room with the monster to teach him how to be civilized. At tax time that’s when the screaming at our famous uncle begins. At my house you hear the same thing. “Let me out, don’t you people know I was only kidding? #&%$%&@* Uncle Sam!” Read the rest of this article »

DATELINE—Monterey, CA
We at Foolish Times interviewed local gadfly Tom Burns regarding his project to research Big Foot in the Big Sur area. The interview was conducted as Mr. Burns fished in the koi pond at Carmel’s Devendorf City Park.

FT: Hello, again, Mr. Burns. We understand you are seeking grants and funding for the research of Big Foot in the Big Sur area.

TB: Yes, that’s true. It’s very exciting. I need about $500,000 for equipment, field office expenses, and staffing. Read the rest of this article »

Basil the “Beefeater” is Yeoman of the Guards at the Crown & Anchor Pub on Franklin.

The Yeoman of the Guards or Beefeater is now a ceremonial function at The Tower of London. When the Guards first originated in 1485 by Henry VII, its members had numerous duties as defenders of the King’s person and household, until 1743 (the last time a British Monarch appeared on the battlefield). They accompanied the King in battle.

Opinions vary as to why they were called “Beefeaters.” But the most likely explanation is quite literal: in the 17th century a “Beef-eater” was a derogatory term for a servant who was too well fed (by no means a certainty in those days). Read the rest of this article »

The smell was horrendous … and I grew up on a farm.

My wife’s friend stuck her head through the crack she made peeling open our bathroom door and whispered, “Psst, psst, psst, psst,” like she had a secret.

She didn’t.

This wasn’t a secret to anyone in the house and maybe, just maybe, to people the next block over. She’d stopped up our toilet—again. Read the rest of this article »

Rex and I had cabin fever. We needed to get out and DO something.

The paper had said the Bedouin Ballet was coming to town. I don’t know about you, but I can’t get my brain to wrap around the concept of a Bedouin ballet. Tutus or berkas? Tutus AND berkas? Swan Lake or Camel Lake? Pirouettes or Whirling Dervishes? No, I don’t think my money will find its way to the cashier’s box at the Bedouin Ballet. Read the rest of this article »

The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. Read the rest of this article »

Overstock.com must have had a run on Italian men. Or maybe it’s because I secretly wished for the passion that seemed to be missing in my life and it’s always a sure way to share my love of red wine.

So I agree to meet a guy from Italianpeoplemeet.com. Yes, that is really the name of the dating site even though not all of the participants are of Mediterranean descent. I smile as I say it with my best Italian accent, “Italian-a-people-a-meet-a.” He lives a few hours away, so I wonder why he picked me, but he tells me that he has a sales territory here. Hmmm. My mind immediately goes to the old “port in the storm” theory. But I’m a curious cookie nonetheless. Read the rest of this article »

April birthdays
What a month to have a birthday. The Titanic sank, the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake occurred, and the Chernobyl nuclear accident happened. But, hey, it isn’t all bad; it’s also Mathematics Awareness Month and, um, National Welding Month… so, party on, dude!

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
The American Revolution started with Paul Revere’s ride early one April. Like Paul Revere, your leadership will be celebrated for years to come by your Solitaire-playing coworkers as they retell how you rolled down the hallway in your office chair yelling, “The boss is coming, the boss is coming!” Read the rest of this article »

“Eeyore, don’t pick your nose!” Waiting in the checkout line, I tore my attention from the tabloid photos of Big Foot’s fanny lift, to witness a boy mining his nasal Eeyorifaces and the droopy-eyed mom who resembled a donkey herself.

Obviously, popular names have changed a smidgen since Bobby, Tommy, Karen, and Darlene pranced across the original Mickey Mouse Club set. Gee whiz, Annette was such an exotic name! And if a parent yelled for John or Linda, half of the neighborhood kids deserted our backyard kickball game. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
Now that spring is here, I thought I’d be happy. But I’m not. In fact, spring is having an opposite effect on me. The singing, chirping, and warbling birds are grating on my nerves, Will! And I find the fresh and clean flower-scented air utterly revolting!

Signed,
Broken Spring…. in Carmel Valley
Read the rest of this article »

Thanks to pregnancy, my body refuses to fall asleep until three a.m. When this first started happening a few weeks ago I just lay in bed for four to five hours cursing and praying alternately for sleep to overcome me. But I’ve finally accepted this inconvenient development and have turned to late night TV. Read the rest of this article »

Cannibal Fruit
One day there were three friends in a forest. They were walking around when they were captured by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals hit them on the top of the head with a rock. It made the three friends unconscious. Read the rest of this article »