April 2008

Editors Note – April 08

April 4, 2008

We have a special issue lined up for you this month—we like to refer to it as our “April” issue. Jason Love and Rosie Sorenson both expound on modern technology; Mary Tompsett names names; Jason Offutt offers his thoughts on clogged toilets; Giosue’ Santarelli talks taxes; Robyn Justo checks out Italianpeoplemeet.com (come on, you know [...]

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The Head Fool Speaks – Fate of the Unknown

April 4, 2008

This is a sad day for Foolish Times. None of the usual methods of communication have produced a cartoon for this month’s issue from THE UNKNOWN CARTOONIST! I’ve checked and rechecked every nook and cranny, thinking I must have put it somewhere for safekeeping (you know, the kind of place that gives up its treasure [...]

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So It Goes – Norton Virus

April 4, 2008

It was a typical day—chop wood, carry water—when I got a pop-up from Symantec: “Your Norton virus definitions are about to expire. Renew now?” I thought virus definitions went on forever like the giant tortoise or Dick Clark. Evidently, they have to be renewed any time Norton demands “payment.” The Internet was such a good [...]

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Big Blue

April 4, 2008

It was love at first type the minute I laid hands on my IBM Correcting Selectric II typewriter—Big Blue. I acquired my clackety-clack friend for $200 after I burned out an identical one typing my 80,000-word first, last, and only novel. Some of the scenes were too steamy even for that sturdy guy. My Blue [...]

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Sammon Says – If Franz Kafka were Lou Costello

April 4, 2008

(A client gets a call from Bob Later.) My name is Later, Bob. Just make it Later. Okay, Bob. I said to call me Later. Okay, Bob. Call me Later. Okay. Bob. I said to call me Later.

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April Is Taxing!!

April 4, 2008

All across the city, as in every other place in the country, self-respecting adults like me (who are about to lose that inflated view of their image) are locking themselves in rooms with instructions to the youngsters on the “outside.” “No matter what you hear in there, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!” Shame on you! Get [...]

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Local Man Seeks Funding for Big Sur Big Foot Research

April 4, 2008

DATELINE—Monterey, CA We at Foolish Times interviewed local gadfly Tom Burns regarding his project to research Big Foot in the Big Sur area. The interview was conducted as Mr. Burns fished in the koi pond at Carmel’s Devendorf City Park. FT: Hello, again, Mr. Burns. We understand you are seeking grants and funding for the [...]

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Tony’s Ticklers – Basil the “Beefeater”

April 4, 2008

Basil the “Beefeater” is Yeoman of the Guards at the Crown & Anchor Pub on Franklin. The Yeoman of the Guards or Beefeater is now a ceremonial function at The Tower of London. When the Guards first originated in 1485 by Henry VII, its members had numerous duties as defenders of the King’s person and [...]

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Jason the Fool – Women and Toilets

April 4, 2008

The smell was horrendous … and I grew up on a farm. My wife’s friend stuck her head through the crack she made peeling open our bathroom door and whispered, “Psst, psst, psst, psst,” like she had a secret. She didn’t. This wasn’t a secret to anyone in the house and maybe, just maybe, to [...]

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Adventures With Rex – Dog Day Afternoon

April 4, 2008

Rex and I had cabin fever. We needed to get out and DO something. The paper had said the Bedouin Ballet was coming to town. I don’t know about you, but I can’t get my brain to wrap around the concept of a Bedouin ballet. Tutus or berkas? Tutus AND berkas? Swan Lake or Camel [...]

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Best of The Inbox – April 08

April 4, 2008

The Importance of Walking Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the [...]

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The Expiration Date – A Killer Red

April 4, 2008

Overstock.com must have had a run on Italian men. Or maybe it’s because I secretly wished for the passion that seemed to be missing in my life and it’s always a sure way to share my love of red wine. So I agree to meet a guy from Italianpeoplemeet.com. Yes, that is really the name [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – April 08

April 4, 2008

April birthdays What a month to have a birthday. The Titanic sank, the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake occurred, and the Chernobyl nuclear accident happened. But, hey, it isn’t all bad; it’s also Mathematics Awareness Month and, um, National Welding Month… so, party on, dude! ARIES (3/21-4/19): The American Revolution started with Paul Revere’s ride early [...]

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Posing As Normal – A R’oze By Any Other Name

April 4, 2008

“Eeyore, don’t pick your nose!” Waiting in the checkout line, I tore my attention from the tabloid photos of Big Foot’s fanny lift, to witness a boy mining his nasal Eeyorifaces and the droopy-eyed mom who resembled a donkey herself. Obviously, popular names have changed a smidgen since Bobby, Tommy, Karen, and Darlene pranced across [...]

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Will Fargos Bogus Advice – Mother Nature

April 4, 2008

Dear Will, Now that spring is here, I thought I’d be happy. But I’m not. In fact, spring is having an opposite effect on me. The singing, chirping, and warbling birds are grating on my nerves, Will! And I find the fresh and clean flower-scented air utterly revolting! My question is: do you think there [...]

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Guilty Pleasure

April 4, 2008

Thanks to pregnancy, my body refuses to fall asleep until three a.m. When this first started happening a few weeks ago I just lay in bed for four to five hours cursing and praying alternately for sleep to overcome me. But I’ve finally accepted this inconvenient development and have turned to late night TV.

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Fool Laughs – April 08

April 4, 2008

Cannibal Fruit One day there were three friends in a forest. They were walking around when they were captured by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals hit them on the top of the head with a rock. It made the three friends unconscious.

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