Whenever I am in an automated bathroom (you know, with automatic flushers, toilet seat covers, faucets, soap dispensers, hand dryers, towel dispensers), I wave my hand over and over, jump up and down, whatever… but the automated devices never respond. It’s as if I’m not even there.
Also, it seems like whenever I’m out in public people completely ignore me. They step right in front of me in the grocery store, turn right in front of me when I’m driving, and cut me off mid-sentence when I’m talking.
Once again, like I’m not even there.
I’m beginning to wonder, Will, if I might be an alien or some other kind of invisible being or something. Or maybe I’m someone’s lost imaginary friend who has amnesia, or maybe I’m an astral projection from another galaxy?
Please, Will Fargo, can you help me figure out who, or what I am? All this ignoring is starting to make me question reality.
Your Imaginary Friend?… in Monterey
Dear Bogus Advice Readers,
I am very sorry to say, that it appears no one sent in a question this month. Although for a second there I thought there was a question from someone or something, I’ve completely forgotten what it was.
Actually, I’ve been experiencing a lot of strange little moments lately where I feel like someone or something is trying to get my attention and ask me something, but I just can’t seem to put my nose on it. Er… my finger on it.
Hmm, I’m always getting those two body parts mixed up. Why is that? Maybe that’s a question worth looking at? I’m sure I’m not the only one who suffers from a little anatomy confusion now and then. I’m just your average Joe, aren’t I?
OK, so why did I say nose when I meant finger? Maybe it’s because Finger and Nose spend so much time together. No? Well, they do in this Joe’s world. In fact, it’s a regular co-dependency as far as I can see.
Nose depends on Finger and so Finger depends on Nose to give him a sense of purpose. That’s what co-dependency is all about, isn’t it? But what about Thumb? Doesn’t Thumb carry his load just as much as Finger when Nose signals there’s work to be done?
Of course he does, don’t be an idiot!
So why is Finger the one breaking out this story and not Thumb? That’s not fair to Thumb. I don’t know why it’s taken so long for this to come out it the first place. It’s not like it’s a big secret what’s going on. Although people do seem to think they need to hide the relationship.
I don’t understand that.
No one seems to feel the same way about other relationships between body parts. What about Foot and Mouth? People love to point it out whenever they’re seen together.
I’ll bet if there were a tabloid that specialized in dishing dirt on all the crazy stuff that goes on with human anatomy you’d see Foot and Mouth right there on the cover all the time. In fact, I think Foot and Mouth are the Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt of the human body.
Or what about Head and Arse? They’ve been thick as thieves since the dawn of time, haven’t they? Arse isn’t a dirty word, is it? It’s too proper-sounding to be dirty. Anything British is proper, isn’t it?
Or what about the relationship between Johnson and Brain? Now that’s one for the tabloids. Johnson isn’t a dirty word either, is it? Isn’t Johnson’s first name Richard? It must be. No? Where’d the nickname come from, then?
But wait, there is no relationship between Johnson and Brain, everyone knows that! I don’t think they’ve ever even been introduced! What hack am I talking about anyway?
Oops, did I say hack instead of heck? Was that a Freudian slip? Is my writing going down the tubes or something? Do I secretly think I’m a hack? Is there such a thing as a real good hack? Does that mean he’s good or bad?
There are so many questions! Why am I the only one asking?
Why has it been so long since there’s been a new affordable type of cheese introduced? I am so sick of Cheddar and Jack. Is all of Wisconsin asleep or something? Why is the rest of the world zooming ahead at light speed with this new software and that new software and Wisconsin can’t even put a new face on their cheese?
And as far as I’m concerned you can take your finger and shove that snooty Brie right up your nose at those prices! But watch out for the paparazzi if you do because they’ll definitely chase you down for that scoop.
Finger, caught in shocking betrayal against Nose!! Will Nose ever be able to trust Finger again or will they call it quits? Where will that leave Thumb? Will Thumb be able to satisfy Nose on his own or will he go back to Arse?
Questions, questions, questions!! There are so many questions! Why isn’t anyone asking but me?!?
Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo