March 2008

Editors Note – March 08

March 1, 2008

A lot of people ask me what an editor does. If you find out, let me know. One thing I seem to do quite a bit of is welcome new columnists, and this month is no exception. Giosue’ Santarelli and Jason Offutt have agreed to join our staff, and we couldn’t be happier. Giosue’ is [...]

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The Head Fool Speaks – Elevator Music

March 1, 2008

I no longer hate elevators. As a kid growing up in New York it was torturous having to ride 30, 40 or more floors to the sound of Muzak (pumped in, easy listening, brainless, no attention required noise) played on elevators. We used to laugh at the sterile non-offensive soft sounds that would accompany every [...]

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So It Goes – Sperm Count

March 1, 2008

Due to technical difficulty, I scheduled with Dr. Klope a sperm count. Talk about tedious jobs. Can you see that poor guy over the microscope? “1,634… 1,635… wait, did I count that one?” Dr. Klope had one opening, eight a.m., which is way too early for sperm. A man might wake up with driftwood on [...]

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“He’s Just Big-Boned!”

March 1, 2008

Tubby flew into our lives six weeks ago after my sweetheart, Steve, hung up the hummingbird feeder I’d purchased in 1990 but never bothered to put up on the deck. Within an hour three hummers arrived: Tubby, Susie, and Kevin. Tubby earned his politically incorrect name because of his huge potbelly and because he easily [...]

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Sammon Says – Daughter and I

March 1, 2008

My daughter and I have your average father-teenage daughter relationship. She has total disdain for me. How did I manage to achieve this lofty distinction? I tried to be fair. That must be it. In other words, weak. I let my daughter get away with exchanges I wouldn’t have dared say to my own father. [...]

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Pets!

March 1, 2008

What is the fascination of children toward pets? GI Joe and Barbie are good enough to hold the average scurrying rug-rat, but only for a few years. Invariably the subject of having a pet arises. You can run but can’t hide! Having a pet is apparently a prerequisite to becoming an adolescent! It is accompanied [...]

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Local Man’s Idea to End Border Problem

March 1, 2008

DATELINE—Monterey, CA Editor’s note: We at Foolish Times were “fortunate” to have an interview with local mild-mannered gadfly Tom Burns. Previous interviews with Mr. Burns have been taxing to say the least. Once more, he did not let us down. This interview was held on the rocks at Lover’s Point in Pacific Grove. Mr. Burns [...]

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Tonys Ticklers – Golf Is

March 1, 2008

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. [...]

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Jason the Fool

March 1, 2008

I brought home a half-gallon of ice cream from the grocery store. The list from my wife read, “four bananas.” Period. No milk, no eggs, no ice cream. Just bananas. Normally, to me four bananas means four bananas, but I didn’t write the note. My wife wrote it and I was sure ice cream was [...]

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Adventures With Rex – Rex Tin Tin

March 1, 2008

Once again, procrastination had prevailed. The living room portion of the heater flex-duct under my house had probably collapsed, as I had no heat from the living room floor vent all winter. I hadn’t wanted to crawl under the house in the bitter cold weather, and now that Spring was ready to spring, it was [...]

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Best of The Inbox – March 08

March 1, 2008

I Love My Job Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM [...]

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The Expiration Date – Tipping The Scales

March 1, 2008

I don’t watch Oprah, but someone sent me a video clip from one of her shows. Every once in a while we get hit by a lightning bolt and I guess I got lucky that day. Her guest (and I forgot his name) was talking about relationships and suggested that one of the reasons why [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – March 08

March 1, 2008

March Birthdays Your birthday this month can only be described as March Madness, a twenty-day birthday celebration that begins in March and ends sometime in April. ARIES (3/21-4/19): For you, March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. This means you behave like you’re the king of the jungle, your tail [...]

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Posing As Normal – Humble piPod

March 1, 2008

Quiz: Describe iPod, Blackberry, Napster, Blue Tooth, and ear buds. Time’s up! Did you get three or more? Well, goodie gumdrops for you, Smarty Pants. But if you guessed fruit, sleep, stained dentures, or earlobe growths—gimmee five, dude! And in my world, an iPod is a clutch of self-absorbed whales.

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Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice – Co-Dependencies

March 1, 2008

Dear Will, Whenever I am in an automated bathroom (you know, with automatic flushers, toilet seat covers, faucets, soap dispensers, hand dryers, towel dispensers), I wave my hand over and over, jump up and down, whatever… but the automated devices never respond. It’s as if I’m not even there. Also, it seems like whenever I’m [...]

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The Swimsuit Issue

March 1, 2008

What if, along with your regular 11 issues of “Martha Stewart Living,” once a year the magazine sent you “The Mailman Issue” filled with pictures of dashing, shirtless postal workers ducking secretively into suburban homes? Then, my friends, women would finally be equal to men.

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Fool Laughs – March 08

March 1, 2008

Some good jokes with a couple of so-so jokes thrown in to fill space. The Hangover Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. [...]

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