Let’s call her Muffy. The cat, not your girlfriend. Why Muffy? It just seems like a good name for an utterly repugnant creature. The cat, not your girlfriend.
She hisses at you. She swipes at you if you try to pet her. She hops up on the coffee table to block your view of that fourth-and-inches play. When you’re getting into it hot and heavy with your girlfriend, she climbs between you. You’re pretty sure she’s saving that special hair for your next pizza slice, and you’re pretty sure it comes from the least desirable of body areas.
You love your girlfriend, but her cat… Her cat is a problem. What’s a cat-hating he-man like yourself to do?
Well, considering that a poll in “Men’s Health” magazine indicated that 78% of women wouldn’t continue in a relationship with a man if he did not tolerate their cat, you’re probably going to have to get along with Muffy.
Following are seven strategies for keeping the peace with your girlfriend’s cat. But first, you must know your enemy.
KNOW YOUR ENEMY
Realize that you’re dealing with a hunter whose prime hunting periods are just before dawn and just after dusk. Consider yourself warned against sneak attacks as you stumble to the bathroom at six a.m.
Those cool night-vision glasses the Army uses? Cats are born with them, the reflective layer of the eye (called the tapetum) serving to enhance any light that reaches the retina. Like a ninja, the cat can use darkness against you.
Cats have about 40 million more olfactory cells than you do, so they can smell you coming.
Remember that the cat, being the snakelike little mutant creature you already knew it to be, lacks a true collarbone and can squeeze itself through holes little bigger than its head. You, on the other hand, can barely zip your jeans after a Guinness.
The cat can leap five times its own height and run 30 miles per hour. You, on the other hand, can leap about a quarter inch and generally take the elevator.
The cat can walk blithely along fence tops and twist 180 degrees in mid-pounce. It has a bite unlike anything you’ve seen since Holyfield-Tyson II.
Its weapon of choice is its retractable claws. If your girlfriend’s cat is declawed, remember that it still has 30 pointy teeth, with nary a flat grinding molar among them. Your girlfriend says Muffy’s a sweetie-pie? Well, inform her that her little sweetie-pie uses four special teeth, appropriately called the killing teeth, to find the position on the prey’s backbone that will enable it to dislocate the vertebrae with a sudden bite.
Above all, remember that the cat’s most potent weapon is psychology. The cat is a reservoir of palace intrigue, and you, my friend, are in its palace.
STRATEGY 1—DRAW A BEAD ON THE CAT
“The first thing is to try to draw a bead on the cat,” says Carolyn Janik, co-author of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Living with a Cat.”
Whoa, cowboy. Put down the Glock 9mm. It’s called a metaphor, and Janik simply means that you must gauge the cat’s personality so that you are better armed in dealing with it.
As a general rule, you ace your introduction to a cat by stooping slightly and extending a hand; the cat will sniff your hand the same way it sniffs its own turd in the litter box before pawing over it. With any luck the cat won’t like you and will turn into the hide-whenever-you-come-around kind. But don’t be surprised if the cat’s curious nature expands to include you. You may even find yourself a little flattered by its attentions. DO NOT LET DOWN YOUR GUARD. Remember—first they play with your shoestrings, then they play with your head.
Never, I repeat, NEVER reach for the cat, pick up the cat, or in any way encroach upon the cat. Let the cat come to you. Also, calling for a cat will do little to endear it to you and gives it the perfect opportunity to ignore you.
Cats respond to higher-pitched voices (hence their partiality toward women), so your Michael Jackson impersonation will come in handy here.
Like you, the cat likes to have its back scratched. A gentle scratch between the ears will also win you points. The cat may even fall over in an ecstasy of loving, inviting you to scratch its stomach. THIS IS A TRAP. Do not fall for it unless you have fingers to spare.
STRATEGY 2—INTERACT WITH THE CAT
You may think that the best way to get along with the cat is to ignore it. Big mistake.
If you are in a love-me-love-my-cat relationship, like it or not, you’re going to have to interact with the cat. And suffice it to say that a guy who treats the cat like a lower life form will not score high marks with a cat-loving woman.
“A man who won’t let the cat sleep on the bed is a man who will be sleeping alone,” says one of my female cat-owning friends. Don’t even try to argue this logic. If she’s worth it, a pillow covered in cat hair is a small price to pay. So your best bet is to bite the bullet that you were going to use on Muffy, and make room for kitty.
When talking to a cat, imagine that you are addressing the feline incarnation of Don Rickles. I say this not to encourage sarcasm or insults, but to discourage them. For I am here to tell you that if you attempt to match wits with a cat, you will lose. The cat invented sarcasm and can bury you with a single look. Remember: If a cat had a middle finger, he would use it.
The cat knows that revenge is a dish best served cold. It could be weeks before retaliation happens, but happen it will. Cats lay more vomit than US Rail lays track, and they have a way of knowing where you’ll be walking two hours from now. Cats have also been known to use urine as a weapon when they are, well, pissed.
Some men make the mistake of thinking Muffy is really just Fido packed into an odd, alienlike form. Another big mistake. They are two different species and act like it. Dogs and cats will both roll over to show submissiveness, but whereas dogs like a belly scratch, and will lie there grinning like an imbecile while you do it, a cat will be more likely to give you a demonstration of the classic Pincers Movement: a paw from the east, a paw from the west, and let the bloodletting begin.
STRATEGY 3—GIFT THE CAT
Why would you gift the cat? To paraphrase the great military strategist and general Sun-tzu, keep your friends close and your furry little enemies closer. And the cat, a Machiavel on many levels, is not above a little paw greasing now and then.
That said, not all cats like all toys. In keeping with its finicky nature, a cat will turn up its nose at the pricey adorable gift you thought perfect in favor of a twist tie off a loaf of bread. Before doing any gift shopping, wad up a piece of tinfoil and throw it; if the cat goes nuts, you save twenty bucks.
Gifting is also a great way to patch up a relationship if you’ve already had a falling out. “Bribe the cat,” Janik says bluntly.
STRATEGY 4—KILL THE CAT…WITH KINDNESS!
You want to kill Muffy, do you? Then kill it! With kindness!
If cats were stock investors, their strategy would be contrarian. They know what you think they should do, and consequently do the opposite. When you and your girlfriend are snuggling, the cat suddenly appears, suddenly your friend, and climbs between you, the key word being “between.” However, you can use the cat’s strategy against it. Simply hug it to you and say something along these lines: “God bwess its widdle heart. Isn’t it pwecious?” The cat will not be able to get out of there fast enough.
If the cat hisses at you? Turn the other cheek, my friend. Your girlfriend will see 1) you making an effort, and 2) the cat being the petulant little ass it is. When it comes down to you or the cat, you want to make sure it’s the cat who’s in the doghouse.
STRATEGY 5—INQUIRE ABOUT THE CAT
This one is simply good manners. You ask about her parents, her co-workers, her boss; ask about the cat. Don’t be sarcastic. Don’t be cute.
Simply say, “And how’s Muffy?” That’s it. Let her ramble on and on. Say “Uh-huh” and “Really?” in the appropriate places. She will appreciate your listening in the same way you appreciate her listening when you need to vent about why Pitino couldn’t hack it in Boston or why Larry was an underrated Stooge.
STRATEGY 6—HELP WITH THE CAT
File this one under The Things We Do For Love.
Helping with the cat does not make you a hypocrite. What it makes you is gruffly loveable. Feel free to mutter under your voice as you carry the cat in the pet cage to the vet. If the housebound cat makes a break through the open door, gamely give chase. If the cat is stuck up a tree, play Superman. If the cat scratches you, apologetically say, “It must’ve been something I did.”
What’s the single best way to help with the cat? Cleaning out that little taste of hell called the litter box. As you pan for gold, remind yourself that, in the words of poet Robert Hayden, you are performing one of love’s austere and lonely offices. (He wasn’t talking about dealing with cat turds, but it applies. In fact, it applies MORE.)
STRATEGY 7—SUPPORT THE CAT
When you support the cat, you do what most women complain most men don’t do: work on the relationship. I am not overstating this: Support the cat, and you support your relationship.
Think of the cat as a daily trial you must overcome, like dealing with Ted in Financing or the human resources ditz who has misplaced your resume AGAIN. Simply resolve yourself to dealing with life’s little unpleasantnesses, like the occasional cat hair that somehow materialized on the lip of your pilsner glass.
Be supportive when the cat is experiencing a crisis. Remember that declawing is an invasive operation, and keep the defurring, detoothing, and deheading jokes to yourself. Let’s not even get into neutering. And if (God forbid!) the cat should pass on, be there for your girlfriend. Remember, there are no small tragedies.
Finally, remind yourself that the world is not kind to cats either. Most cats live only 10-15 years, so if you have to justify your support in some way, realize that both of you, ultimately, are screwed. Slip the cat some tuna on the side (not a lot—the protein-rich dish might result in a nasty surprise on the carpet) and an occasional spot of milk. You might even discover, while sipping a Guinness and watching Monday Night Football with a cat curled up in your lap, that Muffy really isn’t so bad.
Tom Davis is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in a bunch of journals you’ve probably never heard of. He lives with his girlfriend and two cats and they manage to get along just fine.
Brilliant article. What sums it up most for me was the way it ended where a man and the cat has to realize that they are both screwed. My girlfriend got the cat on a “trial” basis after living with me for about 5 months. Needless to say it is now a year later and I have lost. If the cat goes, she goes. Huh? What? How did that happen? I underestimated the sh*t out of that damn cat….