February 2008

Editors Note – February 08

February 2, 2008

I think we have it all covered in this issue. Jason Love discourses on the Stupid Bowl—er, Super Bowl; Rosie Sorenson muses on vanity license plates; John Sammon suspects space aliens; Will Fargo gives us the lowdown on Groundhog Day; Rex considers a valentine for Millie; Robyn recounts the fling that shouldn’t have been; Mary [...]

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The Head Fool Speaks – Say What Goes

February 2, 2008

Okay, okay! We’re growin’ and it ain’t funny. We have new writers, cartoonists, puzzles, and the catch-all, to be determined, waiting in the wings. We need your help deciding who or what goes and stays. We’ve already decided to take out the Sponsor a Fool column—costs us too much (you do the math, 41 cents [...]

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So It Goes – Super Bowl

February 2, 2008

Every year I look forward to the Super Bowl, and every year it’s like eating a TV dinner—always looks better in the picture. Nothing, not even Armageddon, could live up to the hoopla. The pregame show begins three weeks before kickoff, when neckless men begin dissecting the games, going backward week by week till they [...]

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Initial Failure

February 2, 2008

Last week, I saw a young woman driving a small blue sedan with personalized license plates: “LLB?SK8”. I couldn’t imagine at her age possessing enough faith in a relationship to have it embossed on metal for all the world to see. What would she say to the DMV clerk if (or more likely, WHEN) her [...]

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Sammon Says – Aliens Are Among Us

February 2, 2008

It can now be revealed. They’re taking over the world. They’re living and working among us. The aliens of the Tranisiuc. This is no drill. This is the real McCoy. I’m telling the world in the hope we can do something before it’s too late. I saw this guy at the automatic outside bank teller [...]

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Your Girlfriend’s Cat

February 2, 2008

Let’s call her Muffy. The cat, not your girlfriend. Why Muffy? It just seems like a good name for an utterly repugnant creature. The cat, not your girlfriend. She hisses at you. She swipes at you if you try to pet her. She hops up on the coffee table to block your view of that [...]

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Real Guys Don’t Give Helpful Hints

February 2, 2008

There was a large box of Pop-Ice in the freezer of my buddy’s shop fridge. It wasn’t a big deal. I mean, it was Pop-Ice, not a nice bottle of Chardonnay he was chilling for the figure skating competition later. I was just surprised. The contents of a shop fridge are typically beer, beer, summer [...]

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Adventures With Rex – Gift Gab

February 2, 2008

“Rex, it’s time to think about a Valentine’s gift for Millie. She’s your main squeeze, so we have to get an appropriate gift for her. Last year’s Valentine was a dud, if you recall. We got her a cow bone to gnaw on, remember? Half a femur, I believe. She felt the ‘cow’ implication was [...]

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The Expiration Date – The Legend of a Modern-Day Cowboy

February 2, 2008

People tell you all you need to know about them within the first twenty-four hours. On our first date, an ex-boyfriend told me that he was a pathological liar. It was the only time he ever told me the truth. With the weekend fast approaching, I accept a “safe” date from an older man whose [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – February 08

February 2, 2008

February Birthdays The candles on your cake provide the séance-like atmosphere that enables you to channel the spirits of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper, who do a birthday tribute to you on The Day Your Youth Died. ARIES (3/21-4/19) This February falls on a leap year, which proves to be the perfect [...]

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Best of The Inbox – February 08

February 2, 2008

1977-2007 This is for those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it… 1977: Long hair. 2007: Longing for hair. 1977: KEG. 2007: EKG. 1977: Acid rock. 2007: Acid reflux. 1977: Moving to California because it’s cool. 2007: Moving to Arizona because it’s warm. 1977: Trying to look like Liz Taylor. 2007: Trying [...]

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Posing As Normal – Surf ‘n Turf Survival

February 2, 2008

While waiting for an oil change, I pawed through the usual grimy reading material—back issues of The Taoist Purgatorial Review, Elephantiasis for Dummies, and some 1999 meeting lists for Quilters Anonymous. My hand hovered over the OSHA Hazardous Waste Guide until I spotted a pamphlet on survival techniques. Survival, huh? As in running out of [...]

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Tony’s Ticklers – Water Vs. Wine

February 2, 2008

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine… and those who don’t. As Ben Franklin said: “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.”

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Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice – Groundhog Day

February 2, 2008

Editor’s note: The following is a reprint of Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice. Will is pulling a Rip Van Winkle somewhere in the Butterfly Sanctuary in Pacific Grove and can’t be disturbed. Please, don’t go looking for him. You’ll disturb his beard. Dear Will, I don’t get what the big deal with Groundhog Day is. What’s [...]

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Sugar Monster

February 2, 2008

It’s all my fault. Reap what you sow, they say. For once, “they” are right. We had a relatively sugar-free home for Penny’s first two years of life. We never served dessert after meals, snacked on cheese and pretzels, and had her convinced that tofu was the most spectacular food in the world. Then I [...]

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Fool Laughs – February 08

February 2, 2008

A couple of good jokes, with some so-so jokes thrown in to fill space. Barber Shop A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About two hours.” The guy left.

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