January birthdays:
How fortunate you are to celebrate your birthday during the beginning of a new year, 2008, a year of new opportunities (you get fired), challenges (car in the shop), and insights (people lack basic manners)—in other words, same s#!t, different year.
ARIES (3/21 – 4/19)
Keep a check on your ego every day except Play God Day, when you truly are king of the world, minus the crown, jewels, and authority. Your resolution: to juggle live rattlesnakes.
TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20)
This year, vow to be more impulsive and to embrace change, starting this month with the celebration of the Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day. Your resolution: to rely on the Foolish Times as your only source of news for 2008.
GEMINI (5/21- 6/21)
Your interest in learning peaks on Penguin Awareness Day, when you discover that penguins live in large groups, called a rookery, because their rent is so high. Your resolution: to waddle in a tuxedo to Antarctica in search of cheap rent.
CANCER (6/22 – 7/22)
Trust your intuition about people, which is seldom misleading, by placing blame where blame is due (not on you!) on Blame Someone Else Day. Your resolution: to drive on the left side of the road and blame the Brits.
LEO (7/23 – 8/22)
You are dynamic and energetic, but you need to spend time relaxing and steaming up the windows on Bubble Bath Day, complete with bon-bons, candles, and bath confetti. Your resolution: to let Mr. Bubbles do your dishes.
VIRGO (8/23 – 9/22)
I know you usually spend your time wisely, but the Festival of Sleep Day does permit, nay require, you to lounge in bed. Your resolution: to hold week-long Bed-Ins for Peace.
LIBRA (9/23 – 10/22)
This month is National Answer Your Cat’s Question Day. You don’t have to be a natural communicator, however, to know that cats only ask three questions (i.e., demands): when will you feed me, why won’t you pet me, and why won’t you let me sleep? Your resolution: to take your cat to obedience classes.
SCORPIO (10/23 – 11/21)
What people don’t understand, they tend to fear, especially your friends, who unknowingly become participants on National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day. Your resolution: to speak entirely in limericks.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22 – 12/21)
You aren’t quite Mr. Rogers, but you are optimistic and jovial, even when experiencing hardships. Unlike the last half of 2007, which was one big Thomas Crapper Day, 2008 will bring you good fortune. Your resolution: to sing in the rain.
CAPRICORN (12/22 – 1/19)
Because you are level-headed and matter-of-fact, you are one of the few people to sensibly inquire, “But what do we do with them once we’ve caught them?” regarding Rattlesnake Round-up Day. Your resolution: to start a revolution.
AQUARIUS (1/20 – 2/18)
Take pride in your uniqueness this Peculiar People Day by wearing an Out of Order sign around your neck. Your resolution: to start wearing bow ties.
PISCES (2/19 – 3/20)
This Bird Day, enjoy all nature has to offer until a seagull steals your lunch and craps on your head. Your resolution: to start cussing like a sailor.