January 2008

Editors Note – January 08

January 1, 2008

It’s great to read all the stories, poems, and what-not you’ve been sending lately (and you know how much I love what-not). Of course, the more submissions we receive, the more frequently we have to send the dreaded “Thanks, but” note. As a writer myself, I get my fair share of rejections, so if you’ve [...]

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The Head Fool Speaks – Broken Resolution

January 1, 2008

Those of you who have been reading Foolish Times for awhile know that I’ve already made my New Year’s resolutions and broken them (avoid the rush). Now I can sit back and laugh, watching the rest of you white-knuckle it trying to keep yours. Good Luck! Happy New Year! P.S. Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

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Cheapskates

January 1, 2008

I come from a long line of cheapskates. Our family crest looks like the flag of Japan, only with a big, anxious rear end. The curse, legend has it, started with a sorceress who appeared as a beggar at the door of my great, great grandfather… “Dear steward, have ye any spare change for a [...]

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For English, Press Two

January 1, 2008

Whatever you do, don’t sneeze into voice mail while you’re doing your banking by phone—you’ll end up sending your assets to Kazakstan. Oh, sure, you might get them back one day, but do you know of a Trader Joe’s that accepts tenges? Didn’t think so.

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Diary Complaints

January 1, 2008

My wife keeps a diary, and sometimes leaves it open with the last entry in view on the coffee table. I’m a person who wouldn’t want to read another person’s diary, even my wife’s, diaries being personal. But out of a corner of my eye, on the diary page, I saw my name. I couldn’t [...]

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Monterey Man Develops Cheap Global Travel

January 1, 2008

Dateline—Monterey, CA In a rare interview, local real estate broker Tom Burns outlines his new technology—being able to travel halfway around the world at no cost. He eagerly imparts his ideas to Foolish Times. FT: Sir, we understand you have developed what sounds like an impossible idea—traveling halfway around the world at no cost. Please [...]

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Adventures With Rex – Candy Striper Caper

January 1, 2008

Rex and I were out driving around, just for fun. At least I think he finds it fun. If he sees a cute little teacup poodle sashaying her bootie down the sidewalk, he’ll whimper. I know the feeling; if I see a mini skirt sashaying, I’ll whimper too.

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Best of The Inbox – January 08

January 1, 2008

Top Seven Morons of 2007 1. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out [...]

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The Expiration Date – Happy New Year

January 1, 2008

At the risk of sounding like Chicken Little, I have chosen to write this because of the fast approaching date of 12-21-2012. I realize that it is five years away, but nonetheless, it is a serious subject to some. It doesn’t matter if you are NASA or New Age, we all have to agree that [...]

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Limericks – January 08

January 1, 2008

Let us pity the plight of fool Thomas who forgot to put on pajamas. He sleepwalked at night, Gave the neighbors a fright, And now is in jail in Clackamas.

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Fool-O-Scope – January 08

January 1, 2008

January birthdays: How fortunate you are to celebrate your birthday during the beginning of a new year, 2008, a year of new opportunities (you get fired), challenges (car in the shop), and insights (people lack basic manners)—in other words, same s#!t, different year. ARIES (3/21 – 4/19) Keep a check on your ego every day [...]

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Posing As normal: Time Travel Unraveled

January 1, 2008

“Warm holes…throats…exotic matter….” I suppose you’re thinking, “An X-rated column!? Woohoo!!” Settle down, this is a wholesome publication. No, these words aired in the great Hawking vs. Hilton debate on the physics of time travel. Paris scored points by stating, “Not warm holes, Stevie-babe, they’re WORM holes!”

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Tony’s Ticklers – Old Framers Dam

January 1, 2008

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years which had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

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Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice – New Years Resolution

January 1, 2008

Dear Will, I’m thinking of making a New Year’s resolution this year that will really make a difference in my life. But I’m coming up short with ideas. You see, I can’t really think of anything about me that needs changing. I pretty much have my act together.

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The Truth About Honey

January 1, 2008

I feel a little like Charlton Heston in “Soylent Green” here writing this article, but I feel it’s warranted, considering the lies we’ve been fed so many years now as to the origins of a certain golden sweet substance we’ve become accustomed to and so very fond of.

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Confessions of a Hypochondriac

January 1, 2008

One minute you are perfectly happy, just popping online to check your email—the next minute you discover that you have some obscure, untreatable disease and one week to live. This, my friends, is the beauty of our modern times. Every time my knee aches or my jaw pops, I’ll promptly turn to the Internet to [...]

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Fool Laughs – January 08

January 1, 2008

The Mechanic and His Dog A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic’s lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

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