It’s great to read all the stories, poems, and what-not you’ve been sending lately (and you know how much I love what-not). Of course, the more submissions we receive, the more frequently we have to send the dreaded “Thanks, but” note. As a writer myself, I get my fair share of rejections, so if you’ve received one of our “Thanks, but” notes, know that it hasn’t been any easier for me to send it than for you to receive it. (Hey, I even rejected one of my own stories for the Foolish Times. Strange moment there.) Sometimes the material is great, but doesn’t fit our immediate needs. Sometimes we just don’t know what we want until we see it. (Remember, you’re dealing with a bunch of fools here.) Anyway, I hope you’ll make persistence one of your resolutions for 2008. I know I will.

Mike T.

Those of you who have been reading Foolish Times for awhile know that I’ve already made my New Year’s resolutions and broken them (avoid the rush). Now I can sit back and laugh, watching the rest of you white-knuckle it trying to keep yours. Good Luck!
Happy New Year!

P.S. Don’t Forget The Advertisers!

I come from a long line of cheapskates. Our family crest looks like the flag of Japan, only with a big, anxious rear end.

The curse, legend has it, started with a sorceress who appeared as a beggar at the door of my great, great grandfather…

“Dear steward, have ye any spare change for a weary drifter?”

“Spare change?” he said. “You mean MONEY I DON’T NEED ANYMORE?” Read the rest of this article »

Whatever you do, don’t sneeze into voice mail while you’re doing your banking by phone—you’ll end up sending your assets to Kazakstan. Oh, sure, you might get them back one day, but do you know of a Trader Joe’s that accepts tenges? Didn’t think so. Read the rest of this article »

My wife keeps a diary, and sometimes leaves it open with the last entry in view on the coffee table. I’m a person who wouldn’t want to read another person’s diary, even my wife’s, diaries being personal. But out of a corner of my eye, on the diary page, I saw my name. I couldn’t help reading. Read the rest of this article »

Dateline—Monterey, CA
In a rare interview, local real estate broker Tom Burns outlines his new technology—being able to travel halfway around the world at no cost. He eagerly imparts his ideas to Foolish Times.

FT: Sir, we understand you have developed what sounds like an impossible idea—traveling halfway around the world at no cost. Please share with our good readers this astounding accomplishment, and how you discovered it. Read the rest of this article »

Rex and I were out driving around, just for fun. At least I think he finds it fun. If he sees a cute little teacup poodle sashaying her bootie down the sidewalk, he’ll whimper. I know the feeling; if I see a mini skirt sashaying, I’ll whimper too. Read the rest of this article »

Top Seven Morons of 2007
1. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.” Read the rest of this article »

At the risk of sounding like Chicken Little, I have chosen to write this because of the fast approaching date of 12-21-2012. I realize that it is five years away, but nonetheless, it is a serious subject to some.

It doesn’t matter if you are NASA or New Age, we all have to agree that our earth is changing rapidly and whether or not the Mayans, Egyptians, Nostradamus, and the Hopi Indians all had it right and we are in for a wild ride, it has made me start thinking. Read the rest of this article »

Let us pity the plight of fool Thomas
who forgot to put on pajamas.
He sleepwalked at night,
Gave the neighbors a fright,
And now is in jail in Clackamas. Read the rest of this article »

January birthdays:
How fortunate you are to celebrate your birthday during the beginning of a new year, 2008, a year of new opportunities (you get fired), challenges (car in the shop), and insights (people lack basic manners)—in other words, same s#!t, different year.

ARIES (3/21 - 4/19)
Keep a check on your ego every day except Play God Day, when you truly are king of the world, minus the crown, jewels, and authority. Your resolution: to juggle live rattlesnakes. Read the rest of this article »

“Warm holes…throats…exotic matter….”

I suppose you’re thinking, “An X-rated column!? Woohoo!!” Settle down, this is a wholesome publication. No, these words aired in the great Hawking vs. Hilton debate on the physics of time travel. Paris scored points by stating, “Not warm holes, Stevie-babe, they’re WORM holes!” Read the rest of this article »

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years which had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
I’m thinking of making a New Year’s resolution this year that will really make a difference in my life. But I’m coming up short with ideas.
You see, I can’t really think of anything about me that needs changing. I pretty much have my act together. Read the rest of this article »

I feel a little like Charlton Heston in “Soylent Green” here writing this article, but I feel it’s warranted, considering the lies we’ve been fed so many years now as to the origins of a certain golden sweet substance we’ve become accustomed to and so very fond of. Read the rest of this article »

One minute you are perfectly happy, just popping online to check your email—the next minute you discover that you have some obscure, untreatable disease and one week to live. This, my friends, is the beauty of our modern times. Every time my knee aches or my jaw pops, I’ll promptly turn to the Internet to investigate which delightful new diagnosis I qualify for. Through a simple Google search, you too can have the disease of your liking in five minutes or less! Read the rest of this article »

The Mechanic and His Dog
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic’s lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. Read the rest of this article »