This month we’d like to welcome two new columnists:

Sarah Flake and Mary Tompsett. Sarah is the author of a humor blog at hollywoodflakes.org and has approximately 10,000 readers a month. Her piece “Fruitcake Eaters” is this month’s cover story. Mary’s column, “Posing as Normal,” is featured in several publications in the Midwest, and we’re glad to help expand her readership to the California Territory. Welcome Sarah and Mary! This issue also features a Christmas poem from local poet Stephen L. Millich, and some limericks from other local writers including Ron de Tuna. We’d also like to welcome back cartoonist Monty Truitt after a long hiatus. (Sorry, Monty, we didn’t have the heart to kill the fatted calf. Those big sweet eyes, you know.)

Anyway, that’s it for this month. Have a great holiday season and we’ll see you in 2008.

Foolish times sponsored the Monty Python films at opening night of the 10-day International Film Festival last Friday at the Golden State Theatre in Monterey. We passed—or, I should say, TRIED to pass—out copies of F.T. (FoolishTimes) to moviegoers as they entered the lobby.

Most people were friendly—you know, saying “thank you,” “I get it at such and such,” “I love it,” “read that issue already.”

A small percentage, for whatever reason, went to any length NOT to take a copy from me. Read the rest of this article »

I live by a dock where cars are dumped off daily. Hourly. Mercilessly. They pass my street like I-Robots, half-wrapped, en route to Processing.

It’s starting to feel like an elevator full of sumo wrestlers.

“Let me ooouuut!” Read the rest of this article »

Ever since the Boys of Enron slipped their greedy hands into our pockets and stole our lunch money, I’ve been on a mad mission to conserve energy.

My favorite energy-saving trick is to dry my clothes outdoors on a dryer rack which I purchased from Target and set up on my deck. I’ve never once found bird poop on my clothes. I hadn’t even thought of that possibility until my sweetheart, Steve, moved in with me six years ago. Read the rest of this article »

I had to play a joke on the maid at a hotel where I was staying. You know that little paper wrapper they place over the toilet seat, that thin paper band that is supposed to convince you that the facility is clean? You normally take the paper band off and throw it away when you go to use the john. Read the rest of this article »

Someone has been eating the fruitcake.

A large platter of fruitcake was set out last night and by noon today, only two small pieces remained. I was shocked. “Who here likes fruitcake?” I demanded of my in-laws when I saw the telling remnants. There was an awkward silence and then my mother-in-law confessed, “Actually, I kind of like it…” Read the rest of this article »

Rex and I were going down the Big Sur coast for a ride in my pickup. It was a beautiful day and Rex was behaving himself. To be honest, I was enjoying Rex behaving himself more than the beautiful day. Not much traffic; good visibility: it felt like a good time to play War Plane. Read the rest of this article »

I thought I would write about kids. I don’t have any. I often get that “awwww” look from my Mom’s friends. I prefer not to think of myself as childless, but as child-free. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids and for some strange reason they love me back. (Well, most of them. Read on.) Read the rest of this article »

December birthdays:
You already know this month is full of Christmas festivities. But did you know it also contains National Bouillabaisse Day, which comes from the Provençal Occitan words “bolhir,” meaning “to boil fish,” and “abaissar,” meaning “on your birthday”? So instead of cake, pick up some conger eel, mullet, and scorpion fish. Read the rest of this article »

 The best online humor and jokes we could find. Ok, I guess we could have searched a bit harder.

Holiday Eating Tips 101

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

Read the rest of this article »

“Santa” is Spanish for “Saint.” But guess what? The same letters also spell “Satan.” Whoa, that’s heavy. Must our typical mall Santa bravely tiptoe through a mine field each December? Let’s peek at the diary of a member of the Union of Real Bearded Santas. Read the rest of this article »

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will Fargo,
I really dread the winter coming. Especially the month of December. I can’t stand all the phony holiday crap with Santa Claus and the Elves and all that North Pole garbage. Can’t we just skip all that nonsense and accept the season for what it really is? Cold, wet, and miserable.

Signed,
Inclement Reader… in Sand City

Dear Inclement Reader… in Sand City Read the rest of this article »

This Month’s Blonde Joke
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. Read the rest of this article »

I went to the dentist at one.
It certainly wasn’t much fun.
He reached in my mouth
and went too far south
and now my appendix is gone.
—MG

No zebras did board Noah’s ark;
Only horses, two white, and two dark.
But for forty black nights
There were no bedroom lights
Which caused zebras galore to disbark!
—Anonymous (he’s baaa-aaack)

A dashing and speedy neutrino
passed thru a cellar of vino
so he/she turned around
and she/he settled down
in a Julien ‘99 Pinot.
—Sir Henry de Tunahuna