We have a cornucopia of goodies lined up for you this month. Jason Love talks sand; John Sammon discourses on slacks and purses; Robyn Justo muses on George Clooney; Jason Offutt confesses to his embarrassing videotapes (no, not THAT kind); and Giosue Santarelli catalogs the joys of living among crazy (that is, normal) neighbors in this month’s cover story. We’d also like to welcome a new columnist to the fold: Rosie Sorenson will be giving us her unique perspective in a monthly column that is sure to entertain any reader in these Foolish Times. So happy reading, and THANKS for GIVING us your support. Get it? Get it?

Now I know what the saying “Getting old isn’t for the faint of heart” means. While crossing Alvarado Street last week, just about in the middle of the road, I had a lightheaded, dizzy, loss-of-balance type feeling. Not the kind from growing up in the 60’s, but a real attention-grabber, like Fred Sanford’s “the big one.” The next thing I remember was some kid yelling, “What’s the matter with you, old man? Stopping in the middle of the street, I coulda killed you!” Read the rest of this article »

In youth I developed a taste for beach soot. My family summered at Seal Beach, where we ate peanut butter, jelly, and gritty sunblock sandwiches (PBJ & GS’s). I thought the sand was why we called them sandwiches. Read the rest of this article »

Dr. Euphemismos Obfuscato was sitting at his desk in the drafty wing of the castle when Senior Knight, Sir Fawnsalot, barged in. Dr. Euphemismos looked up from his work and, upon seeing Sir Fawnsalot rush through the doorway, put down his pen and rose from his chair. Read the rest of this article »

I’ve mentioned it before. I get a lot of wear out of my clothes.

I’ll wear a pair of slacks until finally I go to work one day and a co-worker says, “Your pants are ripped in the back.”

“They are?” I ask. Read the rest of this article »

Fred Rogers always had a smile when he welcomed you to his neighborhood. It is quite apparent from the reruns that this man in today’s society would belong in a loony bin. The soft-spoken television geriatric patriarch of the baby boom generation lived in fantasy land! No such community exists today to impart such pleasantries, as any homeowner can attest. Read the rest of this article »

Rex was lying on his back on the living room floor, watching a spider crawl across the ceiling. He ignored me as I walked in. That pretty well sums up our relationship: I lose out to a spider. I felt like faking him out by whispering “ice cream,” to watch him flip up and over in mid-air and screech into the kitchen and slam into the fridge and await for a treat. That would teach him to ignore me. Come to think of it, it wouldn’t. I’ve been down this road with him before. Read the rest of this article »

My friend Dee believes that her dream man is at home reading a book. Some night, when we’re sitting outside admiring the sunset at Spanish Bay, he will come strolling in and sweep her off her feet. He will be tall, wear nice shoes, and have a great voice. He won’t be wearing white tennis shoes with jeans, have hair that sticks up, or swear. These are just a few of her deal-breakers. She is picky and I guess she has a right to be. She’s blonde and gorgeous. Read the rest of this article »

Question:
What happens when you put about thirty over-forty somethings into a small, stuffy, dimly lit room in downtown Carmel, couple them up (male and female), and give them sixty seconds each to answer a question?

Answer:
Lots of excitement, noise, laughter (and one guy passing out on the concrete floor), sirens, paramedics, and half of the group continuing on to a lively dinner at Jack London’s. Read the rest of this article »

Humor for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Read the rest of this article »

November birthdays:
In the first feast, the pilgrims didn’t have mashed potatoes because many Europeans thought the newly discovered potato was poisonous. Boy, were they dumb. Don’t be a pilgrim, enjoy your birthday feast!

ARIES (3/21 - 4/19)
Your competitive nature often places you first in everything and this Thanksgiving is no exception: You will be the first one to finish dinner and the first one to break Uncle Buck’s record for the most turkey consumed in one sitting. You will also be the first one to reach for the Rolaids. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Clint Eastwood,

May I call you “Clint”? Or do you prefer “Mr. Eastwood”? You make the call, Clint! (Mr. Eastwood.)

Let’s go with “Clint” for now. Clint, if you’re reading this, it means a couple of things. First, that we’re both readers! Boy, I sure remember learning how to read. Don’t you? Gripping that big, fat pencil, trying to stay between those lines… How do we get back to the simpler times, Clint? Read the rest of this article »

Brought to you by Anonymous or others who re only secure enough to vaguely identify themselves.

“I’ve something to tell you, Mike.”
It’s something you probably won’t like.
I’ve stayed up at night
Trying my best to write
But my brain seems to be on strike.
— GP Read the rest of this article »

My daughter pulled a videotape from a box in the basement.

“New Kids on the Block?” she asked, looking at a faded VHS tape cover featuring five kids who looked like they needed better parents.

“It’s not mine,” I said, sounding strangely defensive. “I’d rather own ‘ABBA Sings the Blues.’” Read the rest of this article »

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will Fargo,

Signed,
Feeling nostalgic for summer already… in Carmel Valley Read the rest of this article »

The very latest jokes (note that, in some instances, “latest” means “deadest”)

This Month’s Senior Joke
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. She didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. Read the rest of this article »