Last month’s “Attack of the Light Brown Apple Moths” cover provoked quite a response from readers (and a few moths). We continue our moth-spraying coverage this month with an article by Aaron S. Birk and several limericks sent in by our talented readers. Meanwhile, Jason Love discusses the manly art of spitting; Robyn Justo gives us the lowdown on Internet dating; and Tom Burns explains his idea for putting Monterey on the map. (I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I have a map, and Monterey is already on it.)

It must be the water! Every month we receive twenty or so emails, phone calls, press releases, or letters from (fill in the blank), promoting something or going on about a political party, politician, the weather, save the apple moths, or from some other cause or movement of the day. These folks don’t get. We’re about having a good time, not saving the world—unless it’s through laughter. Read the rest of this article »

Warning: Today’s column may cause nausea or vomiting, and not just because of the writing.

Ladies: Men spit. It’s a fact of life like puberty or celebrity drug addiction. It will not be solved by handkerchiefs, and Prohibition would only lead to underground spiteasies. Read the rest of this article »

School days, school daze—it’s almost all I hear at this time of the year. Kiddies are all excited about their new backpacks crammed with number-two pencils, three-ring binders, wide-ruled notebook paper, football trading cards, yo-yo’s, and whatever else they can sneak in. Yes, I’ve had those calls from the school about the rubber snake too. Read the rest of this article »

(Sung to the tune of Monty Python’s “The Lumberjack Song”)
“I’m a narcissist, and I’m Okay”

I got called a narcissist.

Am I a narcissist?

I’m not a narcissist.

What is a narcissist?

A person who has grandiose feelings about their own self-importance.

Oh, yeah! That’s me! C’mon! You think I’m going to go through life conceding that I’m just like everybody else? I don’t have any right to feel special? Oh, sure! It’s okay for Paris Hilton to have a fun life and be the center of attention, but not me. I’m just a nobody and should be content to be so. Right! Read the rest of this article »

I had just gone to bed after watching a TV show on police pursuits in Venice, Italy, “The World’s Most Shocking Gondola Chases.” After settling in under the covers, you-know-who put his paws up on the bed. He needed a boost up on the bed as he is too small to scale the summit unassisted. Read the rest of this article »

Dating sites are like shopping on QVC, but I want something to show for it besides cramped fingers and a numb rear end from sitting so long at the computer. I have to admit that it is addicting and somewhat intoxicating to look at all the choices out there at first. But are they all real? Or are the profiles figments of their authors’ imaginations?

I found myself breathing heavy the other day and not for obvious reasons, but from the sheer exhaustion of reading about a guy on a dating site who claimed he scuba dived, rollerbladed, climbed rocks and Mt. Everest, skied, and ballroom-danced his way through his week. Read the rest of this article »

There is a Light Brown Apple Moth humping my shoulder. No, really, the little bugger just crawled right up there and started working away at my eloquent yellow Tommy Bahama shirt like Paris Hilton on a Saturday night. My first instinct…squash the little Aussie bastard and feed him to my python named Monty. Read the rest of this article »

DATELINE—Monterey, CA
Local mild-mannered real estate broker Tom Burns has unveiled plans to put Monterey on the map. In an exclusive interview, Mr. Burns shares his exciting, ambitious plans. Read the rest of this article »

Modern Wisdom
Birds of a feather flock together—and crap on your car.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight. Read the rest of this article »

October birthdays: This haunting month is full of ghosts, scarecrows, haunted houses, and parties—birthday parties. But stop telling everyone you see dead people. Yes, it’s your birthday, but you’re not THAT old…

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
Columbus Day celebrates how Christopher Columbus discovered America so that he could inform the Native Americans where they lived. Like Chris, or C.C. as he liked to be called, your poor navigational skills will enable you too to stumble upon the obvious this month. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will Fargo,
I have always been someone who plays by the rules. I’m honest, hardworking, and law abiding. The problem is I have no way to de-stress and friends tell me I’m dull. Therefore, I think I need a vice. Read the rest of this article »

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” Read the rest of this article »

Brought to you by Anonymous or others who
are only secure enough to vaguely identify themselves.

Land Of The Pheromones
Planes flying till dawn’s early light
Spraying pheromones all through the night Read the rest of this article »

An interesting submission from the Unknown Cartoonist this month, once again demonstrating both his talent for drawing and his ability to tease us with ambiguity. Clearly, he is operating on a wavelength the rest of us can only guess at. We generally agree he is a genius, which disqualifies any of us here at the Foolish Times from interpreting any of his works. Yet still we try. Is the Unknown Cartoonist a reader of the Roman philosopher Boethius? The reason we ask is that the fifth panel seems to suggest the futility of striving and the transitory nature of earthly accomplishment. Read the rest of this article »

Fools need you. Putting out a free monthly humor publication takes time, money, and talent—but mostly money. And it’s hard to joke when you’re hungry. When you choose to sponsor a fool in need, you will be assigned a staff member (or you can request one of your choice from the masthead or list of contributors!) of the Foolish Times who is eager to spend your check, cash, or money order. You will receive letters with photos of your fool so that you can see your contribution in action. Read the rest of this article »

This Month’s Senior Joke
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?” Read the rest of this article »