September 2007

Editors Note September 07

September 1, 2007

Welcome aboard the September issue, faithful ones. You’ll find pictures from the August 19 Foolish Times party at Mexcal Restaurant, as well as a photo spread of rather blurry and unexciting pictures from Barry Bonds’ record-breaking something-or-other. This issue also marks the premiere of a new column, “The Expiration Date,” by Robyn Justo, which focuses [...]

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The Head Fool Speaks – Phoneopoly

September 1, 2007

Long ago (50 years), far away (outside N.Y. city), there was a monopoly that owned anything to do with telephones. I mean we’re talking the lines, we’re talking phones (rotary), directory assistance, long distance, local calling, repair. You name it, they owned it all. We had a local calling area that covered 10 miles north [...]

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Jury Duty

September 1, 2007

I always thought jury duty was something you could politely decline. Like fruitcake. But recently, being summoned, I discovered that “jury service is not voluntary but a civic duty imposed upon all citizens pursuant to civil code section 204.” Desperate, I called my shrink for a note.

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Foolish Times at the More Than Annual Foolish Times Party

September 1, 2007

Clint Eastwood. Doris Day. Arnold Schwarzenegger. The list of people who attended our party does not include them. But it does include a living wind-up doll. A man with a bag over his head. A magician. Yes, it was a magical night even before Clair Voyant led the séance at which Robinson Jeffers read his [...]

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September Transition

September 1, 2007

September is a transition month where summer ends and fall is coming and it seems to be the kind of month where you just say, let’s get on with it (the rest of the year). September is a reminder month. There are many reminders: That the days are getting shorter and soon it will be [...]

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New Car or New Toy

September 1, 2007

There is no point in arguing with a man when he gets that “I-want-a-new-car” gleam in his eye. My man got that gleam in his eye nearly two months ago. By now, it is no longer a gleam, but more like a laser beam.

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(Shelf) Life at the Seashore

September 1, 2007

I’ve never been very good at dating. I never learned the rules and wasn’t comfortable with the process. When I was younger and lived in the Bay Area, I just seemed to wake up in relationships from time to time. But at this stage of my life and finding myself single again, I opted for [...]

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Small Medium

September 1, 2007

A few years ago I picked up Rex at the dog pound. He’s a small black Dachshund, and my life hasn’t been the same since. If Rex were the Road-Runner, I would be Wile E. Coyote. If Rex were Stan Laurel, I would be Oliver Hardy. I can never win . . . I can [...]

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Zshberkle Pleads

September 1, 2007

Dear Will, My name is Zshberkle. I come from the planet Zorak. I have a problem only you can solve, Will Fargo. I believe you know the beings who claim to be my progenitors, Zshbelzagub and Zshbula from the planet Zorak. I have a large question in my frontal lobe regarding the legitimacy of their [...]

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Revelations

September 1, 2007

Well, it’s time to reveal the truth: the FoolishTimes party on August 19, 2007 was actually just an elaborate trap to catch the Unknown Cartoonist. We thought we could draw him out and learn his secret identity. Our strategy was to startle him into revealing himself by asking every single person at the party, “Thought [...]

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Fool Laughs – September 07

September 1, 2007

Jonah and the Whale A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the [...]

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Barry Bonds’ 756th Whatever: A FoolishTimes Perspective

September 1, 2007

When Foolish Times astrologer Clair Voyant predicted that Barry Bonds would hit his 756th something-or-other on August 7, publisher Mike Miele sent a reporter on a some-expenses-paid trip to cover the story. He captured the night in these less-than-riveting pictures. (Editor’s note: Our research indicates that Barry Bonds is a professional baseball player or something.)

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The Three Little Pigs

September 1, 2007

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. “I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy. “I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy. “I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out [...]

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Limericks – September 07

September 1, 2007

Brought to you by Anonymous or others who are only secure enough to vaguely identify themselves. A pet store employee named Blair Was missing a small patch of hair. A tarantula crawled To the spot that was bald And nobody noticed it there! —Tillmanator Get off your butts and send in your limericks!

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Best of The Inbox – September 07

September 1, 2007

A virtual smörgåsbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times. Test for “Mature” Kids This is a test for us older kids! The answers are printed below, but don’t you cheat! READY? Here we go! 1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens [...]

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Fool-O-Scope – September 07

September 1, 2007

September birthdays: In KwaZulu-Natal, king Shaka is honored this month. Although you don’t reign over 250,000 people or command an army of 50,000 warriors, you too are a celebrated September figure! ARIES (3/21-4/19): Mayflower Day commemorates the brave, early settlers in search of freedom in a New World, which is NOT the same as your [...]

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