Welcome aboard the September issue, faithful ones. You’ll find pictures from the August 19 Foolish Times party at Mexcal Restaurant, as well as a photo spread of rather blurry and unexciting pictures from Barry Bonds’ record-breaking something-or-other. This issue also marks the premiere of a new column, “The Expiration Date,” by Robyn Justo, which focuses on the dating scene for the 40-and-over crowd. Welcome aboard, Robyn! I would also like to mention that my computer crashed recently and I lost some email addresses, so for you contributors who haven’t heard from me, and who are unlisted in the phone book, please send me a note when you get a chance. My apologies. Boy, do I feel Foolish.

Long ago (50 years), far away (outside N.Y. city), there was a monopoly that owned anything to do with telephones. I mean we’re talking the lines, we’re talking phones (rotary), directory assistance, long distance, local calling, repair. You name it, they owned it all. We had a local calling area that covered 10 miles north (all trees) and 1.25 miles south, where most people lived. You didn’t have to worry about talking to anyone in your calling area because it was a fixed rate, unlimited usage per month. The only problem was Read the rest of this article »

I always thought jury duty was something you could politely decline. Like fruitcake. But recently, being summoned, I discovered that “jury service is not voluntary but a civic duty imposed upon all citizens pursuant to civil code section 204.”

Desperate, I called my shrink for a note. Read the rest of this article »

September is a transition month where summer ends and fall is coming and it seems to be the kind of month where you just say, let’s get on with it (the rest of the year).

September is a reminder month. There are many reminders: That the days are getting shorter and soon it will be dark when you get home from work. Read the rest of this article »

Clint Eastwood. Doris Day. Arnold Schwarzenegger. The list of people who attended our party does not include them.

But it does include a living wind-up doll. A man with a bag over his head. A magician. Yes, it was a magical night even before Clair Voyant led the séance at which Robinson Jeffers read his latest poem, “Would You People Leave Me Alone?”

The prizes we gave away! Gift certificates from the Mucky Duck, Pink Tuna, Luminata Books and Gifts, and Royal Seafood. Coupons from Trick or Treat Cabaret. Rotations and alignments from Peninsula Tire Service and oil changes from Express Tires and Salinas Valley Dodge Chrysler. One man even won TWO oil changes. Are you listening? He’s good for 6,000 miles! Read the rest of this article »

There is no point in arguing with a man when he gets that “I-want-a-new-car” gleam in his eye.

My man got that gleam in his eye nearly two months ago. By now, it is no longer a gleam, but more like a laser beam. Read the rest of this article »

I’ve never been very good at dating. I never learned the rules and wasn’t comfortable with the process. When I was younger and lived in the Bay Area, I just seemed to wake up in relationships from time to time. But at this stage of my life and finding myself single again, I opted for peace of mind, less traffic, and beautiful beaches and moved to Monterey. Read the rest of this article »

A few years ago I picked up Rex at the dog pound. He’s a small black Dachshund, and my life hasn’t been the same since. If Rex were the Road-Runner, I would be Wile E. Coyote. If Rex were Stan Laurel, I would be Oliver Hardy. I can never win . . . I can never win.

I was rummaging through the hall closet looking for my English-Sanskrit dictionary when I came upon the Ouija Board. It was tucked in between an oil pan from a ’39 Mercury and the French Maid’s outfit I had bought for an old girlfriend. The oil pan was well worn—the outfit had never been. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will,
My name is Zshberkle. I come from the planet Zorak. I have a problem only you can solve, Will Fargo.

I believe you know the beings who claim to be my progenitors, Zshbelzagub and Zshbula from the planet Zorak. I have a large question in my frontal lobe regarding the legitimacy of their authority over me, Will Fargo. Read the rest of this article »

Well, it’s time to reveal the truth:
the FoolishTimes party on August 19, 2007 was actually just an elaborate trap to catch the Unknown Cartoonist. We thought we could draw him out and learn his secret identity. Our strategy was to startle him into revealing himself by asking every single person at the party, “Thought you could outsmart us, eh?” But every single person just looked at us, raised an eyebrow, and called us a name, and pretty soon we had to admit we had failed. Or had we? One person in particular kept catching our eye. Read the rest of this article »

Jonah and the Whale
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. Read the rest of this article »

When Foolish Times astrologer Clair Voyant predicted that Barry Bonds would hit his 756th something-or-other on August 7, publisher Mike Miele sent a reporter on a some-expenses-paid trip to cover the story. He captured the night in these less-than-riveting pictures. (Editor’s note: Our research indicates that Barry Bonds is a professional baseball player or something.)

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.
“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
“I want a nice big steak,” said the first little piggy.
“I would like the salad plate,” said the second little piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
“I want a banana split,” said the first little piggy.
“I want a cheesecake,” said the second little piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” exclaimed the third little piggy.
“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter to the third little piggy, “but why have you only ordered beer all evening?”
The third little piggy says, “Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home’!”

Brought to you by Anonymous or others who are only secure enough to vaguely identify themselves.

A pet store employee named Blair
Was missing a small patch of hair.
A tarantula crawled
To the spot that was bald
And nobody noticed it there!
—Tillmanator

Get off your butts and send in your limericks!

A virtual smörgåsbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times.

Test for “Mature” Kids
This is a test for us older kids! The answers are printed below, but don’t you cheat!
READY? Here we go!
1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer, “I don’t know, but he left this behind.” What did he leave behind?____________ Read the rest of this article »

September birthdays: In KwaZulu-Natal, king Shaka is honored this month. Although you don’t reign over 250,000 people or command an army of 50,000 warriors, you too are a celebrated September figure!

ARIES (3/21-4/19): Mayflower Day commemorates the brave, early settlers in search of freedom in a New World, which is NOT the same as your quest to find toothpicks in WalMart. Read the rest of this article »