These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16:”You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
#15:”Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
#14:”If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
#13:”If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
#12:”Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
#11: “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
#10: “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
#9: “Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
#8: “The answer to this last question will determine whether you’re drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
#7: “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey crap.”
#6: “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
#5: “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”
#4: “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”
#3: “No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
#2: “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. It’s good you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS…
#1: “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
Lines from Church Bulletins
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you off—let the church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM—prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours.”
Definitions Not in the Dictionary
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. I have character lines!
NBA OR NFL?
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.
Can you guess which organization this is?
NBA or NFL?
Neither, it’s the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
The Meaning of Service
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word “service”: “It’s the act of doing things FOR other people.”
Then I heard these terms which reference the word “service”:
Internal Revenue Service
City and County Public Service
Then I became confused about the word “service.” This is not what I thought “service” meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to “service” a few of his cows.
BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those “service” agencies are doing TO us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
THE YEAR 1906
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1906:
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at home.
Ninety percent of all doctors had no college education!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned by the press AND the government as “substandard.”
Sugar cost 4 cents a pound.
Eggs were 14 cents a dozen.
Coffee was 15 cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
4. Heart disease
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.
There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic helper.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
Staggers the mind, eh?
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced “Peek-A-Boo”) is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, “Picabo, ICU.”