Greetings, faithful readers. Tired of the fog yet? Tired of day after day of dreariness? Tired of the depression that stalks you like Churchill’s black dog? Consider getting a divorce. (A joke! We joke around here!) Anyway, this month’s issue is the cure for sure. Jason Love discusses his issues with Time (the concept, not the magazine); John Sammon talks patriotism and pyromania; Rex and Tom fight and make up (or do they?); and Megan Havens meditates on second-hand t-shirts. We also have an interview with Tom Burns, who claims to have discovered the lost city of Atlantis between Castroville and Moss Landing. And as if all that weren’t enough, we have a hard-hitting (or hardly hitting?) expose of anorexia in Hollywood cats. All this at no cost to you! We must be crazy! We must be nuts! Or merely Foolish.

Here we go again—another anniversary! This issue marks three full years of publishing Foolish Times/The Fool. That means it’s time for another PARTY. On the 19th of August bring an appetite for food, laughs, and music to Mexcal restaurant and get your fill. There will be plenty of prizes, which I’ll talk about next month. We don’t want to run out of food and prizes, so if you’re planning to attend, use our Contact Form and let us know.

The reward still stands for the identity of the Unknown Cartoonist. We are Read the rest of this article »

Police Comments
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16:”You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
#15:”Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
#14:”If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” Read the rest of this article »

The very latest in jokes, whipped up by our Doctors of Jokology. Yes, you can get a degree in that.

The Used Car
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a one of the cars. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
“Heavens no, we bought it,” one of the ladies said.
“Then why don’t you drive it away?” asked the patrolman. Read the rest of this article »

Dear Will Fargo,
My name is Zshbula. I come from the planet Zorak. I have to tell you that of all the earthlings I have ever seen, I find you the most attractive. Even though I’ve never actually seen you.
I dream about you all the time, Will Fargo. I think I’m obsessed with you. I know we come from different worlds but we will make it work.
There’s one problem, though. Read the rest of this article »

How many t-shirts do you own?
We live in a culture that produces more t-shirts than anyone knows what to do with. Anyone who spends time sorting through the bargain bins at any thrift store knows this for a fact of life. More importantly, the themes that appear on the front of the t-shirts would tell any sociologist a great deal about our society. Read the rest of this article »

Editor’s Note: This is part I of a shocking two-part series.
Everyone is becoming more aware of the problem of anorexia in Hollywood. More and more people, models and actors, are finally speaking out. Fashion designers are starting to enforce standards to define and promote the hiring of healthy runway models. Read the rest of this article »

Brought to you by Anonymous or others who
are only secure enough to vaguely identify themselves.

As a beauty, I’m not a great star.
There are others more handsome by far.
But my face, I don’t mind it,
Because I’m behind it.
‘Tis the folks in the front that I jar.
—Anthony Euwer Read the rest of this article »

July birthdays:
You share your birthday month with Canada, the United States, governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Henry David Thoreau. But when asked to reveal your age, you’re as secretive as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV and his Scientology buddies.

ARIES (3/21 - 4/19)
To win the Tour de France is an incredible feat, especially with the Tour de France devil or El Diablo running about. But, this month, you will take on a similar challenge by competing in the U.S. Open Sandcastle Competition in Imperial Beach, California. Your El Diablo? An unleashed troublesome Cairn Terrier. Read the rest of this article »

DATELINE—Monterey, CA
Local mild-mannered real estate broker, Tom Burns, claims to have discovered the fabled Lost Continent of Atlantis… here in Monterey County. In a rare interview, Mr. Burns agreed to tell the Foolish Times the tantalizing details. Read the rest of this article »

A few years ago I picked up Rex at the dog pound. He’s a small black Dachshund, and my life hasn’t been the same since. If Rex were the Road-Runner, I would be Wile E. Coyote. If Rex were Stan Laurel, I would be Oliver Hardy. I can never win . . . I can never win.

Rex and I had been fighting for a few days. You know, petty little things that build up and go unresolved. My not washing his food bowl twice a day, not changing his water as soon as His Majesty would require, buying cheap dog food. Read the rest of this article »

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” Read the rest of this article »

You can’t get any more summer, or summerish, than July. July is the hottest month of the year, and the most American month because of the Fourth of July. And how do we celebrate that glorious day?
By exploding off Mexican-made firecrackers that were originally a Chinese invention. It makes sense. After all, how better to call attention to the implementation of democracy in North America in 1776 than to play with fire and get into pyromania. Read the rest of this article »

How do you know when it’s going to be a bad day? For starters, it might be a bad day if you wake up to the sound of the smoke alarm going off at 5 AM in the morning like I did the other day.
With the alarm screaming, I hit the floor and ran down the hall to see what was going on. I couldn’t see anything because in the excitement I forgot all about putting on my glasses.
FIRE! FIRE! Read the rest of this article »

Send in your thoughts as to what you think Unknown’s meaning is on the Two Dogs cartoon and win a $25 gift card to the new Pink Tuna Sushi restaurant. Send your response by clicking on comments at the bottom of this page or through our contact form or snail mail. Next month we’ll print the top three answers according to Read the rest of this article »

My issues with time started early, when I kept my mom in labor so long that Dr. Rabban finally came after me with tongs.

In grade school, I routinely missed the bus and had to be driven to school—manually—by same mother. How, she wondered aloud to the dog, could her son spend 30 minutes playing with floaties in the gutter?
The bus driver called me his “tardy tot” and waited as long as he could. He had fancied me ever since that day I asked who closed the bus doors when the driver got out. Read the rest of this article »